And If I was stronger...

I have found a great new artist, I mean she has been around for a while but I have discovered she has more than the one song I had listened to, to death. Ingrid Michaelson- Sort Of. I love her voice and lyrics aren't all that bad either. (The title is lyrics from the song I was listening to)

But the reason for this post was to show you these two verses that I found, they are quite great and I wanted to share them with you guys..

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

-Phillipians 4:13

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Oh goodness, I have to tell you about my day, it was so wonderful- One thing that absolutely fills and warms my heart (besides a shower when I am FREEZING!) is meeting new people. My mom has been telling me when I go home for second semester that I should go and see if I can find new people to meet. But honestly I am finding it hard to make new friends when the friends I have had for so long or just became close with are leaving me or moving away. Which is hard for me because I also find it hard to make good close friends- I am super insecure when it comes to friendships/relationships. I don't really know why, but I am. So anyways I had this absolutely awesome time meeting someone new...kind of a sweet story--

Once upon a time, I decided I liked photography......(3 years later) I went on Craigslist and decided to buy a camera...(1 week later) I met the owner of my wonderful camera. Of course before I went to go meet her I had to check her out and see what she was all about. Facebook Profile. Facebook Photography Page. Website. Seemed pretty sweet...then, I saw we had mutual friends. We met. She seemed really sweet.. and I left secretly wishing we lived in the same town so we could become friends. haha Now that I write this out I sound stalker-ish. Oh well... it goes on. I then saw her Facebook Page one day and she was giving away a portrait session for free! So I had to enter my name. Hoping I would win. GUESS WHAT!?! I did! So today I met up with her in Ft. Langley. It was absolutely wonderful, we went for coffee, we laughed (for real and sometimes a little awkwardly when trying to get that 'perfect shot'), walked around and down by the river, talked and just had a really good time. It was so good. And we lived happily ever --in the start of hopefully a good friendship.

Anyways, I am freezing so I should go find a way to warm up. Have a great rest of your evening!

~Just a Girl

Wise Words...Telling Truths.

From Calvin and Hobbs and Dr. Seuss

[I love quotes, any quotes and any notes. They are great and put me in a better mood quite often. I came across most of these last night, a few I have written down in my journal over that past few years. But Most of them are quite true. Especially for me, or just a good thing to think about]


1. Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one

2.Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

3.Calvin: If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.

4. Today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.

5.I meant what I said and I said what I meant. 

6. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. 

7. Why fit in when you were born to stand out.

8. Today I shall behave as if this is hte day I will be remembered.

9. Wil you succeed? Yes you will indeed! Ninty-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed


My most favorite truth...

10. Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.



~Just a Girl

Well...

So Christmas has begun, its been nice to see my family for a bit. However I am realizing these days that I want a place to seriously call home. I want my own place, not right now but soon. I want a place that I can call home, where I have a job, great friends-that aren't moving in the near future. I guess I almost want to say I want to grow up 2.5 years from now. I would be finished school, would love to be married, on my way to maybe owning a house, be a certified RN. Thats where I wouldlove to be right now. However as we all know I am not. Which means I must make the best of it, which from my opinion seems to be hard these days.
But that's what is on my mind tongiht.

Have a good night.

~Just a Girl

Day 55- Fattygayed.

So I was thinking today-shocker right? First my mom was asking me about my fatigue and how I was coping with it. I was saying that how during exams that God must've given me the extra energy for exam period. I was able to study late, and focus and actually pass all my classes with no lower than a 'B'. She then promptly replied to that comment with, "Well you had a lot of people praying for you." It made me realize that I haven't thanked all of you for your prayers and thoughts for me. I truly do appreciate it. I have really appreciated those who have been for me in prayer and thoughts as well as those who are close to me. My close friends-those who have been there for me to cry with, laugh and talk with. I honestly don't know what I would have done with out those around me. Thank you, from the depths of my heart.

Two other stories for you before I go to bed;

First.
So my grand parents gave me a newsletter that they were sending out to the family. So I then shared it with my family and my brother read it up. They then started talking about me;  and this is what my brother read out loud..."she is doing well with her school but is struggling with fattygay." "Hang on buddy... fattygay, really?" I didn't know I was fattygayed. It took him a good 30 seconds to figure out the real word, we all just chose to laugh at him instead of help. It was pretty funny-oh and if you didn't figure out his 'french' language he was trying to say 'fatigued'.

Second.
I totally forgot to take Tylenol when I took my injection today. So right now of course I feel like I have the flu and a killer headache. I have a feeling tonight won't be the greatest sleep. I already feel chilled and soon to be super hot. Yuck. But hey at least I'm not in school right now.

Have a great night guys. (However really, most of you should be asleep-It's the middle of the week!)

~Just a Girl

Change.

So I used to keep a journal, I would write in it every day and then my best friend would get a kick out of reading them. They would usually talk about the latest boy I was crushing on (in like gr. 6) or I would rant about basketball, maybe how great it was or not so great because my team lost  a lot of games. However for the past few years I have ceased journaling, but I think I may pick it up again. However this one log seems to fit my last while.. I thought I would share it. I started it about 800 days ago and has been tweaked and updated according to what was going on in life but here it is...

Change.
Don't you love sometimes how fast things change?
From great to horrible-horrible to great.
One word.
One moment in time.
Change is inevitable.
It's frustrating. Annoying. Irritating.

Change.
The best thing ever. Amazing.
There is nothing like it.
How come, how can things change so fast?
It doesn't seem fair sometimes,
but doesn't it always turn to good?
I don't get it. Hate it. Love it. Live it.    

Change.
I know I can't make up my mind.
But sometimes it hurts way too much.
I don't want things to change.
Why can't somethings stay the same.
The good things?

What do you do?
It doesn't seem rational sometimes.
It doesn't seem fair sometimes.
How do you cope?
"They say times heals everything
...But I'm still waiting"

So what is it about change that I don't accept.
The fact I don't want to change,
what happened was so good. Or was it just me?
I don't know.
I say I will get over it but really I don't.
I say I'll survive but really? It doesn't seem like it.
It just hurts so much deep down.
Do I confront it? Or...
Leave it and keep lying to myself.

Change for the better? I'd say so. I want so.
Good things can come from it.
From something that I hate.
Change.
The hard. The good. The bad.
I guess I can't decide what I want.
Change is inevitable.
So I'll have to like, love, live it.
Change.
It's change that keeps us going,
from good to great.
Pushing on, pushing forward.
Wether we like it. Or not.

Goodnight.

~Just a Girl

Passed.

I just thought you all should know I passed all my classes this semester. A goal I wasn't very sure I would be able to accomplish. All of them.

Have a good night

-Just a Girl

Day 49-Done.

Yes I am done. First semester. However I am still on pins and needles about my last final. Yes I only needed 33/110 to pass.. but still that final felt awful! But I will do my best not to worry. I am really hoping its alright.

On to the real post...

Oh goodness... today I feel like reminiscing, about this last semester. Can I say crazy? To be completely honest this very well may have been the hardest 4.5 months of my life. Huh, that sounds strange. However I cannot think of a time in my life that has been more of a challenge.  I know of challenging things that have happened around me. When my little brother was diagnosed with cancer, my job last year, when I thought that being a nurse seemed to ridiculous and absolutely terrifying. But I have had a challenging semester. My first midterm I failed-at first. I figured I was done, this was a reason for me to find a different career, quit school, I didn't know what to do. I then found out that I did pass, my prof changed two of the questions which brought my mark up and I did pass. Then my next midterm I got 80%- That put me in a better mood. However then by the rest of the semester my marks slowly declined. I got tired-scratch that, I became exhausted! As that happened my marks slowly got worse and worse, but I still passed them.

This semester had ups and downs, joys and complete frustration. However it has been good. I have grown in myself. Realized things that I didn't know, how I preform under intense anxiety. (I have never been anxious about anything, especially school. Until this year) I learned how to cope with exhaustion almost every moment of the day. It's been strange, but good. I have also grown in my relationship with God, another challenge that I will accept and keep challenging as I go on.

For the most part things have been good. Life seems easy some days, but every day I am realizing there is a challenge. I just have to figure out how to conquer it. This semester was hard, left me in tears many days wether the people around me knew it or not, this was a semester I do not wish on anyone. But I made it through and will do my utmost best to keep doing it...And next semester will be no different.

~Just a Girl

Day 44-Somethings Make Me Think

Some things make me think and thankful. So all for the past few weeks, oh wait hang on, since my first midterm I have been studying. But today was no different. I woke up at 7:30, dropped some stuff off for my mom and when to the pool for 2 hours. I ran, worked out for half an hour and then went swimming for 40 minutes. It felt good.

Then I studied for at least 4 hours... but one of the things I was studying today was Pathophysiology. My friend and I were reviewing all the the body systems. I was going through the older ones and she was doing some of the newer stuff (smarter strategy... because that is the stuff that I don't know but that is really beside the point) She was doing the neurologic system. She was going through all of the diseases that could happen to the brain and neurologic system. Geepers, if you don't know about some of them they are awful! Some of happen within like hours and leave you almost completely paralyzed. Seriously? Others make your brain swell and you cannot function, speak, walk, talk. I don't understand how some of these diseases can happen so fast, so quick and out of nowhere.

Now think about it...Well for me anyways, I will think about my life. Dang! it is good. I can walk, talk, see -most of the time, I can feel in my hand and the numbness is gone in my upper body, I am able to live. Maybe a little slower and more tired than most of the people around me but I am alive. I am thankful. I enjoy my life. I am happy. But I also am frustrated, I get tired easily, I did not expect to have MS. I did not hope for it. But I can be thankful for it. I do fully believe that this is something that will benefit me in the long run. Maybe it will help me to become more empathetic when I come across someone who has MS in my nursing career. Maybe it will be a journey that does end. Maybe I will be able to go through one whole day without thinking about the fact I have MS. I dunno how thankful I sound for this...but I have found joy in looking for things to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for MS. What are you thankful for? (Share if you like in the comments or at least just think abut it)

Have a good night.

~Just a Girl

Day 39- New Challenge?

I thought my vision was getting better.

To be honest I did think my vision was getting better. However it turns out I was just getting in shape. Funny right? Yeah well it kind of is. When I started swimming in September my vision would become all strange, but over time it seemed to get better. I wasn't noticing it as much when I swam and now I was able to swim harder and longer, with nothing wrong. Then I played volleyball last night, I had a feeling it wouldn't be alright and I was right. I was good for about the first 10 points and then I strained to be able to see that darn ball. It came down to the point where I just hoped the other team would win the second set so we wouldn't have to play three. Of course I wasn't going to throw the set, but I did think about it. (I am not one to just submit to losing, not if I have anything to say about it)

This was discouraging, frustrating to know that playing sports now has a whole new element. Maybe this is a new challenge, for me to not be self-conscious and find something that will keep my body cool, my cooling necklace, maybe a cooling vest. I don't know, we will see what happens. I plan on starting to get into shape again. (Last nights other realization...feels like my muscles have atrophied due to not using them, like at all these past few months) So hopefully I will find something that works and helps me see... I mean I guess I could just use treadmills and tie myself onto a leash so it doesn't matter if I can see or not. (Common I'm kidding-this is me joking) But I will see what I can do... any ideas?

Thanks.

~Just a Girl

Studying? Pfft.

Why study or write a paper when you can write and re-design a blog??

Ok this will be short.. but if you are reading.. and apparently at least this blog as been looked at 700 times, and NO it was not all me. I would love to know how you came across this and get a clue of who it is who does read my blog. I kind of didn't think about if I was anonymous that my readers would be too... But that is alright. Check out my poll, its over there--------->---->>--->>>

Anyways, I saw this quote today and I wanted to share it with you.

If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. Two most powerful words when we're in struggle "me too". If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. -Brené Brown

It intrigued me... What do you guys think about it? (I don't have to do all the talking/rambling on here you know; post a thought or comment)

~Just a Girl

Yes I will finish my paper now.

Day 34- Oh dear..

..don't worry it's not totally bad.

I just want to say, maybe you have been in my shoes before, but until you get to wear my shoes you may not fully appreciate a 'pass'. Yes, so far this week I have passed my midterms, and I just have one more paper left. [so close]
This week feels like its never ending and just keeps going on and on and on. Started out, like I had told you earlier... with a nice awful sleep, felt like the flu that stayed with me for 24 hours. Gross. Then I had a full day to study and it felt like NO INFORMATION was going into my head and staying! Yeah NONE! Oh but thats ok. Apparently 66% of the info stayed with me. So that is good. I am so very ok with that.

Well I am off to Bible Study soon, but I did just want to tell you about my grade, and I had a great sleep last night due to and new mattress.. yeah I don't have to sleep on the foamie that my parents owned 25 years ago, then passed on to me, then passed to my uncle and aunt at that point my cousin slept on it for many a year and then guess who got it next?!? ME! It went from a Queen to a Double too. Just a little deformed. But I got a new one... memory foam on top of a 4in foamie. It makes my back happy, and me.

Oh I believe I have also discovered something new this week, which drug I'm on. Most likely Rebif- hence the 24 flu the last few times I've dosed. But don't be too disappointed, I am not. I mean I do wish that I was on the study drug, but if I wasn't apart of the study I would've been on this drug anyways. However this does mean more side affects with Rebif, which I have figured out. (I was being titrated up to full dose over the last month, and the last few injections were full dose, and apparently my body doesn't really like the full dose) So I called my nurse at UBC and she told me that I should take half of the full dose while I am taking my last midterms and finals. Then we will talk about it more. So depends on how you perceive it... good news and bad news this week. But seriously stay positive, I am. Laugh about something, I have. (haha, someone I know doesn't always appreciate my MS humour)

Have a great night, thanks for keeping in touch!

~Just a Girl

Oh man, I dislike this.

One thing I dislike about drugs is the potential side affects.
One thing I dislike about this time of year is the possibility of getting the flu.

At this point I'm not sure which one I dislike more because I really don't know if I have the flu or my injections of Rebif/placebo, is actually a drug. The UBC MS clinic did tell me that I should take some ibuprofen and acetaminophen before I take my injections and that should lessen any side affects I may get. I have been doing that but I still am waking up all night hot, cold, chilled, achey, skin hurts to touch or have blankets on, dehydrated, dizzy, sore. Trust me its not a bundle of joy.
This also frustrates me more because this week I have a midterm, group presentation and a paper due and right now I feel like going back to bed and sleeping all night.

You know whats weird? Most days I still cannot comprehend that I have a disease. (even writing that statement sound so strange) At my last treatment day I was sitting in the chair for about 4 hours, and got up to go to the washroom, on my way out I looked in the mirror and stood behind the door for about 10 seconds and just looked at myself. It was still so hard to believe that it was me standing in front of that mirror. It just didn't seem right, its not what I pictured for my life. I looked at the IV pole, ran my eyes down the line to the pump then to my hand where the IV was in my hand. Something just didn't feel right about it. It just wasn't me. I then came our and my mom looked at me as I sat down in my chair and said "Wow, that brings back memories of your little brother, it's so hard to believe that we are back here again." It's strange, what life brings to you. Some are good, some are bad, some things are easy and some hard. You really never know. But I would say, with the hard things take them head on, don't wait around for something to change, face it, 'count it all joy'. I'm not saying it will be easy to do so, I promise- because its not.
This disease takes a lot out of me on a day to day basis, my energy, my health, my focus. I also have good days, which is nice but there are also days where I am smacked in the face with it again. It can just be the smallest comment by someone, making a joke, talking about school-marks etc. I feel like in those moments I am thrown back in to that chair and I remember... "Oh yeah, I have a disease- Multiple Sclerosis."

~Just a Girl

Day 24- Going home

Cold, winter, snow, lots of snow... oh boy lots to look forward to for when I get home. I just really want green grass, and would be alright with rain. However thats alright.

So its Tuesday and guess what? No rash! Which is great. I had to stay down in Vancouver incase I did in fact get a rash. But at this point, none!

Day 29-TIRED!!So I have also realized that I haven't updated in a while, I have been exhausted lately! Right now its 12:30 and it feels like 10:00pm. All I have done today is go swimming, which usually gives me energy for the day, but I swam laps for 45 minutes and then did aquafit for 40 minutes, I AM WIPED! I also still have a 3 hours class this afternoon and then going shopping with a friend, dinner with my family and a play at 8:00. Oh well that is alright, I will survive and it won't be that bad in the end.
These next few weeks are going to be a little crazy though. I have a midterm next week as well as a paper due. Then 3 finals. AND THEN IM DONE!! (for this semester anyways)

Before I sign off I will post some prayer requests: (PS, they are also on the side >>> over there >> and I will try to update them periodically)
- energy to keep going for finals. I am in desperate need of good marks for some of my classes and must be able to stay focused to study for them.
- I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping these days, waking up in the middle of the night, in the morning I'm sore. I just haven't been having very solid sleeps lately.

Have a great rest of your day guys, I am off to class!!

~Just a Girl

Day 21- Woah!! Another Day....

....just living life.


I feel like I am just super duper excited and in a weird mood. Why? Well to tell you the truth, I'm not sure... But I can give you a list of things that have made me happy and put me in a good mood  in the past while:

1. I'm alive

2. I'm breathing

3. I'm "healthy" (haha, oh that cracks me up.. because I'm not actually all that healthy.. but I can pretend. Sorry, if you are not familiar with me and my sense of humour* I will warn you now because it may or may not come up in future posts. Especially if things get rough)

4. I have a great family

5. I have absolutely wonderful friends

6. I am able to walk

7. I can talk... most of the time (sometimes my brain goes blank and I don't always know what to say.. like when I get stressed out during a class presentation.. not gonna lie, its kind of funny- well in retrospect--because of the MS, I promise, maybe) 

8. Cousins who bring me treats on crummy days -milk chocolate (you know who you are)

9. Meeting old friends that you haven't seen in AGES- and it feels just like you saw them yesterday

10. A great family- oh I said that already

(Wow I'm only at 10? uhoh, I have 10 more... uhhh)

11. Oh yeah- grass on the ground- I'm in Vancouver, not my home town which may or may not have snow 

12. I like that I can blog the way I think and/or talk in my head and I don't have to be worried about grammar or spelling because I won't be marked on it

13. When there are no issues with IV infusions. (sad to say there were some today)

14. (Brackets) [so i can put in my side thoughts]

15. Ok my happy mood is gone.. I'm tired, Yes there are more things in life that make me happy, but I can't think and would rather tell you about my day. 

16. Oh one more thing... You guys. I really do appreciate you, for checking up on me, seeing how I'm doing, crying with me (I'm (not actually all that) sorry), sharing in my joy and trails. I appreciate you keeping the news of me to yourselves, because I have chosen you to be one of the select few to share my journey with. But hey, if you have stumbled upon this by accident I also hopes this helps you in some form or another. I really enjoy to blog my thoughts, frustrations, hardships and whatnots because it helps me process whats going on. I like to know that people are thinking and praying about me. So thank you to all of you and I hope you appreciate my blog as much as I do. :)

17. Remembering not to use the washroom as soon as I get up on trail days (PLEASE KEEP READING SO THIS ONE MAKES SENSE)

Day 21- Second half of my first dose.

So I came down to Vancouver last night from home, stayed at UBC as per usual. OH OH OH and I staying in the West Coast Suits, oh my goodness, best sleep I've had in the past few months! The bed was AMAZING, the pillow was so great and I don't think I moved all night. 

I got up in the morning in a much better mood than I did on my last in fusion... (you can read about it here @0315-0720). I also remembered not to go to the bathroom in the room because they have a urine sample every time and it takes forever! Seriously how many of you are able to go to the bathroom twice in like an hour in the morning after you haven't drank anything... yeah didn't think so! Oh I guess that could be another thing. (17.)
Then they took a bit of blood and sent me off to Medical Day Care. OK, not gonna lie I totally feel like a preschool kid when they say "You can go now and head off to Medical Day Care." I just think to myself pulling my little toy around on a string down the hallway on my way to daycare. However I promise you its not as fun and real pre school. Oh well they are helping me, theoretically, but actually they are.
After they sat me down in a not so bad chair they started my IV. As per usual they looked at my veins and probably said wonderful words in their head because mine don't look like exist. Actually they do because next step they poked me and I bled, right into the tubing- PS. its not supposed to do that. (for those non nursey people) Then the saline started dripping on my hand, so we had to figure that all out which took a while.

Result: faulty tubing.  

Then a wonderful cousin came by to say hi, brought me chocolate which and wether he knows it or not  made me quite happy. (8.) It was nice to see him, he's kind of great.
While he was there we all thought we were going crazy. We (being me, my mom, the woman beside me also getting treatment and my cousin) thought we saw a drop dripping from the IV pump but none of us could see it twice. Until my cousin did see it twice. So then we had to get that all switched up.

However all in all today was a good day. A little painful at times, needles are not my favorite thing it burns when the IV goes in, I don't really like getting blood drawn and I'm not keen on injections. But that is all ok. I am in a great bed and must sleep. So goodnight. Sleep well and so will I.

~Just a Girl

*Disclaimer: I have a morbid sense of humour. Enjoy! (and please laugh with me, because that is what I want)

Day 10- Poke 5

Uugh. I am sitting here with the needle beside me and I just can't do it. I dislike poking myself so much. I'm sure after the 100th or so one I should be alright.. but at this point I'm not. Oh maybe your wondering what I'm complaining about. Its my injections. I know it doesn't hurt but tell that to me again. You would not believe how sweaty my hands are right now.. like glistening I'm freaking out about it so much.

Ok, I'm back... not like you would know I had left. But it gets better, not only did it not really hurt but I did hit a blood vessel. So its bleeding pretty good right now and feels like I have a nice lump under my skin.

Oh the joys of MS.

~Just a girl

Inadaquate

It is hard when things start piling up; school, tests, quizzes, osces (don't worry about it), weight, lack of exercise. It almost feels like things are spinning out of control. I am not sure how to attack things that are coming at me. OR what I should even do first. Why didn't anyone ever tell me how to deal with, midterms, quizzes, living without my best friend in the same town.. mixing all of that in with personal life, exercise, healthy lifestyle.  Oh and it must've slipped my mind, MS, infusions, injections, rashes, antibiotics. I feel lost. I was talking to someone tonight about their life, first year out of highschool- playing basketball, living away from family and getting nothing worse than A's on their midterms or assignments. I haven't pulled off and A yet in any of my classes, and I'm not doing any of those things. Whats up? I don't know. This is hard, and I feel like no one knows how I really feel.

God, I need you now. I don't know what to do. I am literally drowning, in life and my tears as I write. I am hurting, feeling less of a person for all of this. I'm finding it impossible to "count it all joy". I'm lost, scared, I know You have a purpose, but right now, honestly I don't see it.

Goodnight.

~Just a Girl

Day 5- AWESOME!

I love injections, rashes, feeling exhausted and MS, said no one EVER!

Awesome day? Well not really, not at all. I woke up this morning jumped in the shower, got out and saw red dots over my side and thought "Are you kidding me? Bugs (and/or) spiders were in my bed eating me all night?" I was a little ticked, then realized that it was too weird to have that many bites from one night and only on the sides of my body. Those thoughts happened over about 2 seconds. Then I called the MS nurse at UBC a little worried about this awesome rash. I sent her some pictures and told her exactly where and what it was.
She eventually got back to me and said it may be a allergic reaction to the drug trail drug. A delayed reaction of sort. OR It could also be a viral rash. So she quickly put my on antibiotics because if this rash was a virus and it got into my bloodstream it just was even more bad news.

So at this point I am exhausted and I don't know how much of this post makes sense.. but I should probably take another Benadryl and a nice hot shower. So adios.

~Just a Girl

Day 1- Treatment

Wow, today was a long long day, I had a really crappy sleep, didn't really eat breakfast, fell asleep multiple times, got poked a few times and now waiting for a good supper. So here is how my day went.

0315- Thirsty and got up, super ticked that I couldn't sleep and that I was hot and had a frusteratingly   flat pillow

0500- Still not time to get up, but my computer has a light on it that brightens and dims and it was really bugging me.

0640- First alarm goes off and my mom tells me to go shower. No way! I finally got comfortable, but I do know that I have to be at the hospital by 0800; or so I thought.

0720- Finally drag myself out of bed and get in the shower, get dressed, do hair and makeup.

0745- In the car on the way to the hospital.

0800- Get to the hospital and find out that the nurse doesn't come in until at least 0830 or 0900. Oops...

0820- Get started on 1 of 4 tests. Fist one I had to look at a legend of symbols that corresponded to a number 1-9. Then go through a sheet of symbols and match it to the correct number. Not so bad. Next test: Putting 9 pegs into little holes as fast as i could and not dropping them. It was ok, both hands weren't great. Third test: She turns on a Cd that lists off numbers I have to add up the numbers when they are said to me. Bear with me as I try to explain... The cd says 8, 2 I say 6 cd says 5 I say 7. So I just have to give the answers and add up each of the numbers that are said to me. First off I'm terrible at math, and then its timed, and then she marks down how I do...How do you think I did? Yeah not so great. Oh and it gets better! After 1.5mins of that it speeds up to give a number every 2 seconds instead of 4. Trust me, it wasn't fun. The penultimate test (second to last test) was an eye test and then I had to walk 25 feet as fast as I could. I don't know why. But I did it.

0900- The nurse finally comes and she gives me a bit of a rundown of how the day is going to play out. Tests, blood work, neurological exams, surveys, ECG's, infusion, ECG, teaching on injections, paperwork and then I was able to leave.

0910- First neurologist comes and gives me a neurological exam. Checks my cranial nerves ask about symptoms and checks overall strength. Second Dr. comes in and checks physical health, makes sure my liver and gall bladder, lungs and heart are all ok.

0945- Start a few surveys, about my symptoms, fatigue, how it interacts and affects my life. How tired I am, how it affects my everyday activities. And a suicide/depression survey- I am fine by the way. :)

1015- Blood work was done, they took like 8 tubes of blood. Oh and another thing my veins are really really small, no one really likes them and they are hard to find.

1025-1100- I have no idea what happened, maybe I was getting introduced to the "Infusion Day Care Clinic." I really don't remember.

1130-1440 I was told that I was going to start the Ocrelizumab but first they gave me some Tylenol, and Benadryl, for any potential side affects. They also gave me a steroid for that as well. That took about 20 minutes to infuse. Then they started my Ocrelizumab at 1130. They checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes for about 3.5 hours. I kind of fell asleep inbetween the moments where it felt like the life was being squeezed out of my arm. But it wasn't too bad, I met a older guy who was really nice. It was sweet to talk to someone else who had MS and we could talk about symptoms. He helped me describe one of the symptoms when the numbness goes into my arm. He said it was like putting on a wet shirt. That totally helped and was exactly how it felt. My mom and friend were also there throughout the day which was really nice. I won't be seeing my friend for a very long time and she will be missed greatly.

1500- Got another ECG. Then the MS nurse showed me about my other drug, Rebif. This drug as I said before would be injected 3 times a week. She showed me how to do it, and how to keep track of when and where I inject it. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be but I still don't really like injecting myself with needles.

1545- The guy I met in during the infusion offered to give me a ride to the airport. Which I was very thankful for because I really really dislike taxis. Especially because they make me car sick, they drive really jerky, and take detours to make more money. Not all that much fun. So I made it to the airport in one piece and my stomach stayed where it is supposed to.

Now... my plane is delayed, I'm exhausted, have class at 0800 (which I may skip for the first hour), my knees, back, legs hurt and I'm almost starting to get grumpy again.. just like the day started off. Kidding, I'm not actually grumpy and a pain all the time. I have actually had a pretty good attitude today and lately. Just really tired.

But anyways I am signing off for tonight.

~Just a Girl

Day 0- Almost Treatment Day

Up up and away.

Right now I am sitting in the airport waiting for my plane to leave to Vancouver. Tomorrow I start my first day of treatment. So I believe that this is a good time to fill you all in with what I am going to be apart of for the next two years.

So when I went down for my first appointment with the neurologist at UBC he presented me with (hand cramps, another symptom) the option of being apart of a drug trial. This trial includes two drugs. One which is on the market for MS patients and it is a good drug called Rebif. The other drug is Ocrelizumab. Ocrelizumab is being studied all throughout the world and in many different countries. This drug is in Phase III of the trial. It has been around for about 10 years and been very very successful in treating relapse remitting MS. So this is great for me!

So Ocrelizumab is  drug that is administered thorough IV approximately every 6 months. Rebif, the other drug that is apart of the study is self administered 3 times a week thought a self injector.. yippee, not! I am not impressed at all about that. I am not all that thrilled about needles to begin with let alone giving them to myself.

As a part of the trial I will be getting one of the two drugs and a placebo drug (Placebo:A substance that has no therapeutic effect, used as a control in testing new drugs.) So I will either get Ocrelizumab and Placebo Rebif OR Placebo Ocrelizumab and Rebif. This means a few things;

1. I do not know which drug I am on, actually no one does except for a random 3rd party that no one really knows about.

2. I have to "take" both drugs; injections, 3 times a week and also IV every 3 months.

This treatment will last for two years; starting tomorrow. I will have my first day tomorrow and get the first dose, which is half of the Ocrelizumab dose and Rebif. Then I will continue to give myself injections and 15 days from now come back to Vancouver and get the second half of Ocrelizumab. Then three months later and so on for the next two years. Throughout these years there will be constant checkups, frequent trips to Vancouver for the IV drug, many many many injections, lots or blood and urine tests, and hopefully LESS SYMPTOMS!

A few months ago I was thinking to myself how amazing it would be to not have any numbness in my hand for one whole day. One day. To be able to feel textures, and to feel normal again. It will be wonderful to wake up one morning and not think about my hand. I do get glimpses of that when I drive to school in the morning on these cold fall days. When my hand is cool/cold I don't notice that it is numb, it does feel normal. Someone a few months ago asked my why I drove mostly with my left hand these days, and I think subconsciously I don't like the added stress of holding on to the steering wheel with my right hand so it is dominantly my left hand driving. However when it is cold out I seem to drive mostly with my right hand. Strange? Yeah kind of.

Here is an encouraging fact about Ocrelizumab: In a phase II, 24 week, clinical trial, 218 people were split into groups receiving one of two doses of ocrelizumab (600mg and 2000mg), interferon beta-1a (Avonex) or placebo. After 24 weeks, the number of active lesions as measured by MRI scans was 89% lower in the low dose group and 96% lower in the high dose group compared with the placebo group. 

This is Phase II figures and also a few years ago. But seriously at 200mg brian lesions were 89% lower? (If I am understanding this fact right) that is amazing. Especially since my neurologist said all of the other drugs available on the market would give me less than 50% change of working (lessening symptoms). There is no cure for MS. 

And Sometimes Life Never Stops...

Oh dear goodness these past 2 weeks have been nuts, 3 midterms....and...well 3 midterms says enough. At this point I can't actually remember why life is so crazy right now. However I do know that I feel like life just doesn't give me a time to breathe.

I have started swimming, almost everyday and surprisingly enough it actually gives me more energy. It is also really nice to catch up with the girls that I go with. They are both so great and gives me sanity to my nut-case life.

So this week is "The Big Week", my first day of treatment. I am flying down to Vancouver on Wednesday night, hopefully stay in a nice place and then all day thursday I have tests and things like that. I will also be able to fill you in more on what this drug trial is all about. Anyways I am feeling like I can't think let alone write a post. So I will fill you in more later this week. Thanks for catching up.

~Just a Girl

Sometimes, life is hard.

You know sometimes when you are just sitting there thinking about how the last few days or even weeks have been pretty good? Well I would have to say that 'things' have been pretty good lately. I had an awesome Thanksgiving. I got to make most of it with a really great friend and eat with her family. The next day I had a great supper prepared by my cousin and then ate with my aunt and uncle and some of their friends. It was great! I even got to take pictures of stars that night too. (I got my two dream shots, check it out here.) I hung out with friends till two in the morning. Man, things were looking great!

That was however until things hit me, again and again and again! My MS, my test marks, my school, my drug trail, my relationship with God, boyfriend, family... oh the list goes on. But sometimes life, to put it bluntly, sucks! Its hard, I don't like it. It makes me want to give up and try harder all in one breath. To be honest I can't help but think, is there where I am supposed to be, where God wants me to be. Is it all really supposed to hurt this much? Why does it hurt? I almost wish I was more angry than hurt. Anger I can throw things, run until I collapse (or in my case because of my MS until I can't see). But hurt, hurt makes me want to fall to the ground and never get up. Hurt wrecks me from the inside out. I dislike this feeling and I don't want it to be here.

However I don't want this to be a place for me to complain and whine about my life so I will continue with hopefully less of that.
One thing that has helped me, especially today and for about the last week was a song I have on a mix CD my sister made and I have in my car. I feel like I drive a lot these days, to school, pool and where ever else I go. The one song that I find my self going back to is #8. The song talks about how God is faithful, never once have we ever walked alone, never once did He leave us on our own. Never Once by Matt Redman. Consistently this song brings me to tears, even now as I write.
Have I mentioned life is hard? Well people it is. It is also hard to understand that God will NEVER leave us on our own. I know I have seen it in my life or families life again and again, but it is so hard to keep that in the front of my mind.

If you are reading this and would be willing to pray for me I would be honored and love it dearly.  Here are a few things that you could bring to God:
1. Healing, I desire to be healed from this MS and do know that God has the power to do so.
2. Focus, I need focus in school. When it comes to writing tests, midterms, papers, class. I truly want to do well in my nursing and graduate in 3 years
3. Positive attitude. Keep looking forward and not be discouraged with things in my life.

Thank you muchly for reading and supporting me in the way you do. Wether you know me personally or not. I hope that one day this blog will touch someone else and encourage them.

~Just a Girl

Count it all JOY!

James 2:1 "Count it all joy my brothers when you're faced with trials of many kinds, becuase you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I love this verse and I think I can say, yes it applies to many things in life but especially this one. I am not sure why but I can't say that I have really processed how MS does affect my life. Maybe after a couple dozen self injections I will realize. But I haven't really sat down and thought about what this means. Maybe I did when I first heard those words, "Maybe it could be Multiple Sclerosis." It was after one of my shifts at work and my boss mentioned that to me after I told her about all of my symptoms. So I guess I will admit that I did spend most of the 25 minute drive home crying and thinking that within 5 years I would be in a wheel chair or something. It also hit me a few other times, when more symptoms came I was discouraged, cried and was angry. I wasn't angry at God, but I was frustrated that I wasn't normal. I felt damaged, not good enough, irritated. I wanted things to feel normal again, I wanted to be able to see when I exercised. However I have never asked God why me? I haven't been mad at God, just the situation.

It took a while, but I eventually remembered the verse, "Count it all joy." (This also reminded me of an Oddsey tape when I was little, maybe you remember which one from your childhood but anyways...) I knew there was nothing I could do about my MS, it wasn't anything I had done, I wasn't being punished (for NEVER cleaning me room or something), but there wasn't anything I could do about it. So I decided to embrace it. Why not right? Is it easy? Well not really, but I'm gonna take it on. I had/have decided that I will continue to live and love life. I will work hard in school and eventually work. I will do my best not to complain and grumble. I want to count it all joy.

I feel like this past year or so has been crazy. Last August (over a year ago) my family moved to Abbotsford. This meant that I had to stay here because my nursing courses don't transfer. So I lived with my aunt and uncle, which is great by the way. I then found out I failed a first year course, Microbiology. Gah, I was frustrated and super upset. But then I thought about it, this meant that I was pushed back a year and also meant that I had time to finish the absurd amount of electives. So I took a semester and finished my electives and retook my Microbi course. After that I moved down to Abbotsford with my family from January 2012 to August 2012. In retrospect it was amazing that I was in Abbotsford last semester because when I had these symptoms I was able to get into see a Neurologist, get an MRI, and other tests right away. It was a total God thing. He lined/lines things up so well. I'm sure in the next coming months or weeks I will be able to tell you more stories.
So to sum this post up I just want to encourage you, when you are faced with things you don't think you can handle look to God. Be confident in Him. He totally has your best interest in mind and won't forget about you. I want to continue to 'count it all joy'. I think that it will get more challenging but we shall see right?

~Just a Girl

What is MS?

So are any of you wondering what Multiple Sclerosis is? Well I am too.

Just kidding!
I do know I feel like I know a lot actually. So I will share this information with you.

Multiple Sclerosis is an autoimmune disease. This means that my body is fighting itself. My body has decided that the covering of my nerves is the 'enemy'. So all the nerves in our bodies are covered with a coating called a myelin sheath. It is kind of like the way wires (computer cords etc.) are in that plastic coating. When that coating was taken away it creates problems, with a cord it is able to short circuit. Which is what my nerves are doing. My body has attacked my nerves, more specifically the myelin sheath which causes my limbs to be numb, vision issues etc. So after the bits of my myelin sheath is gone my body tries to repair it. After the repair, like any other tissue that is greatly damaged it leaves a scar, or multiple scars, hence multiple sclerosis (scars). These scars are located all around my brain, in the white matter and also my cervical spine. Why don't we look a little closer at one of my symptoms; blurred vision. There are some scars on or near my optic nerve, these scars can be very heat sensitive. So when my body temperature rises it exacerbates my blurred vision. Tada! These lesions or scars also create a numbness in my hand, which to this day still has not gone away or gotten any better.

Well I hope that this was informative for you. If you would like to know more don't be afraid to ask or check out this website MS Society.

Have a great night.

~Just A Girl

Explination

Monday September 10, 2012

I met with the neurologist from UBC, Dr. Traboulsee and he confirmed that I do in fact have Multiple Sclerosis (MS). He, well actually we all looked at my MRI and found 50+ lesions in my brain and cervical spine.Which yes, sounds like a lot but apparently it doesn't mean its really bad.

I saw a nurse earlier in the week and she helped explain to me my symptoms and how I can 'treat' them. The biggest thing she explained was why I had blurry vision when I exercised. She told me that I most likely had a lesion on my optical nerve, because she hadn't seen the MRI she was making a very educated guess. She explained that when I exercised of course my body temperature went up and the lesions are very heat sensitive so they react to that. Hence the trouble with vision. This was before I had seen the neurologist.

Dr. Traboulsee described to me and my family that I had a very aggressive form of MS and that I should be on some sort of treatment very soon. He was very positive and encouraging and presented a few options for me, treatment wise. He at first showed me the 5 or 6 regular drugs that would help with the side affects of MS. (For any of those who don't know MS, is not curable but it is maintainable.) He also informed us that the majority of these drugs would be less than 50% affective for me, because of how aggressive my MS is.
At this point he left the room and came back with in 30 seconds with a large stack of papers. He then asked us, more specifically myself how I felt about drug trials. He then told us about a specific drug trail that he has been working on for a while now. He became quite excited about this as he told us what it would involve and how great this new drug was, "It knocks the socks off MS!! to quote.
So after the meeting with Dr Traboulsee I went home and thought more about the drug trial. I will explain more about these things in a later post. But so long.. thanks for reading.

~Living With MS

...And Here We Go

September 5, 2012

This has been a bit of a crazy year... Last summer (2011) I realized I failed a very important course in my first year nursing program. Microbiology...hard course and not enough time spent on it. At first it seemed like a terrible thing, but then I thought more about it. Maybe it was a good thing I failed this course. It meant I was able to retake it, finish my electives and then take a semester off and work. I ended up moving back in with my parents whom that summer had moved 800km away from me. I then worked for 8 months in a mental health group home. However this is not why I am starting this blog. So here you go...

February 2012
VERTIGO! This is one of the weirdest things that happened to me. One morning I rolled over in bed and the whole world spun. I couldn't turn my head quickly, walking in the evenings became difficult, at one point I fell when trying to get up. I went to my family doctor he asked me a few questions and to walk in a straight line heel to toe. He laughed at me. Which was funny, because I actually couldn't do it. I mean I do know my balance is bad, but this was really bad. He sent me away with a diagnosis of Labyrinthitis and that it should go away in 2-3 weeks. Which it did, 3 weeks later.

March 2012
I noticed when I exercised my eyes got blurry. Well not really blurry, but everything seemed overly exposed like a picture. When I would go hiking, walking down the street with my mom and dog, and I think you get the picture. So whenever my heart rate went up, it also became a lot harder to see.

June 2012
All I really remember about this was when I was making supper at my parents house. I remember turning to my dad and said, "Do you think its weird that my feet are numb?" and then didn't really think anything of it. But for about 2 weeks my feet and half way up my legs. It was on and off but was weird. This left after 2 weeks.

June 30, 2012
At about 3:00 that morning (I was working a night shift) I noticed that the pads of my thumb and first 2 fingers on my right hand felt like they were falling asleep, or at least trying to wake up. They felt numb. Throughout the rest of the day it moved down my fingers and half my hand. Over the next week the numbness moved into the rest of my hand. This hasn't changed to this day.

July 2012
This was a weird month. The numbness in my hand continued, continued to move up my right arm, shoulder and upper half of my torso (posteriorly and anteriorly). I also found out one day at work when I was cleaning up some ice that the coolness of that felt really good. I went to the lake that month also and the cold water felt really good. At this point I also talked to a few people about what these symptoms meant. They all had the same answer, which I will tell you about soon.

August 2012
My torso is good, the numbness went away. My arm still felt numb, or at least different than normal. I also started to have trouble buttoning up my shirts, looking for items in my purse or pockets. It was like I couldn't feel textures, I knew I was holding something but I didn't exactly what it was without looking at it. I had to watch my self do the buttons up on my shirt. That still hasn't changed to this day.
This month I also had some burning in my hand, it was swollen and did not seem to be getting any better.

End of August 2012
I got a phone call from Dr. Thanah's office, a neurologist in Abbotsford. He gave me a neurology exam, a VEP (visual evoked potential). They checked my nerves to see how well they reacted to stimulation and check to see if I had Optic neuritis. At the end of this appointment he asked me a few questions like "Do you have any metal in your body? Are you claustrophobic?" etc. He then disappeared for a few minutes and came back and told me that MRI diagnostics will hopefully call me  soon and will have an opening before the end of the week. (It was Wednesday and I left on Sunday to go back home) As soon as I walked out of the hospital my mom called me and said I had a MRI booked for 7:00am Friday morning. God's plan? I think so!!

Very End of August 2012
I got to go on an awesome trip with my little brother, who also has gone thought a lot in the past 5 years. Check out his story...Conquering ALL He was diagnosed with cancer, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Anyways, read his story if you so do desire but this one is about me, so I will continue. My brother and I got to go rafting on a Teen Adventure with BC Children's Hospital. It was tons of fun, but again besides the point. Oh, I did however meet two great nurses, married and they were awesome, I only knew them for a short time but I really enjoyed their company.

September 3-5, 2012
My parents gave me a few cryptic phone calls, and emails about coming down to Vancouver to discuss my MRI with a neurologist from UBC hospital. However I do like to think I am smarter than I look and maybe even smarter than my parents think. I knew that if my MRI was negative there was no way they would book a $350 flight to have a neurologist to tell me so. I first tried to get a straight answer out of my dad, he tried to change the subject and was very brief. So I then tried my mom, she then said  that my dad and her would would Skype me that night.

September 5, 2012
I found out I have been positively diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I have Multiple Sclerosis and this is my story.

~Living With MS