Day 124- Tired...tired...tired

It is almost mid way through the week and it feels like it should be the end. It has barely been 2 days! I have a crazy week a head of me, which scares me because of how tired I am. This last week, which should have rejuvenated me, because of the lack of school and the steroids has done quite the opposite. After my last post on Friday it was still pretty rough.
I stayed in bed most of Saturday, felt pretty nauseous in the evening, and then watched previews for about an hour. Ha, it might sound lame, but my cousins, aunt, uncle and I quite enjoyed ourselves. I also realized why my bother won't eat roll kuchen (best supper ever!!--It's a Mennonite thing.. only some of you will know how great this meal really is) anymore. It used to be his favorite until he ate it when he was on prednisone and chemo. I made the mistake of making my favorite form of potatoes  YUCK... roasted potatoes, makes me feel quite ill just thinking about them even now. So i will stop now.
Sunday was a little better...oh I almost forgot the best part. (yes I was safe, I just had to be aware of what was going on) But I decided to take my one oral medication- Gabapentin before I left for church, I am pretty sure it didn't full kick in until I got to church. I have never taken drugs (--illicit drugs that is, I think this last year I have taken more drugs this past 6 months than I have collectively in my whole life but that is not the point I wanted to make) to get me high, but if I were compare any situation to being high it would have been Sunday morning. It was a weird haze that lingered, I noted my mouth dropped open for much too long, lost train of thought, pretty sure it took way to long to find clothes that morning, I couldn't stand in church for the worship without holding on to the chair infront of me, so I just sat down. (It is ok if you chuckle out loud that this point--I thought it was kind of funny) So far I have decided that I should take that drug only at night, it might be safer and less humiliating for me if I just sleep through those side effects.

Anyways I just remembered that I have to take my injection tonight. Which reminds me that I am working on getting up to the full dose, not just half. The last 3 injections have been a little more than half and I haven't gotten sick. Yes, that is good news. I also thought maybe I will show you what I do get to poke myself with three times a week. I know it's not huge but its something...A year ago I for sure did not think I would be able to inject myself once, let alone three times a week.
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Here are my wonderful needles... hope they don't bother you too much. If you are ever around and I have to take an injection, I will even let you give it to me. :)  


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But here I am... (getting all sentimental) doing things that I never thought I could do. If someone said to me a year ago that I would have numbness in my right hand permanently  wouldn't be able to play sports because I couldn't see, inject myself 3 times a week, live with intense fatigue I would've laughed and wondered why they would even suggest that--"I only had labrynthitis"- right? But things have changed, I have changed. I was talking to a friend today about how you change so much, especially right after high school. I was saying how so much of me has changed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...more than I ever would have thought. I have done my best to accept those changes, which I guess I had an option to not. But where would I be if I hadn't accepted them, well stuck with all of these things and a really crappy attitude.
Genius right? I think so. Not really.. I'm just tired and feeling sappy.

Anyways, have a great night/sleep... because its late.

One thing I would love to ask from you guys if you are thinking of me in prayer is:
-Energy; I am so fried and the semester is long from being over. I have a midterm, paper, and group paper/presentation due within the next 7 days, along with clinical and all other classes. So I would love some energy... and for those sick, awful, terrible drugs to do their stinking job! and help me. :)

That is all. Thanks!

~Just a Girl

Day 120- What a Week!!

So I just wanted to fill you guys all in on my 'interesting' week. As most of you guys know I have had a good amount of pain in my hands. So thankfully I was albe to get some drugs to help me. The one drug was methylprednisolone, a steroid which should help with the inflammation in my hands, reduce pain, and hopefully give me a little more energy.

For the steroid, I was infused for an hour for three days this week. The first appointment was long, I was there for about two hours. It was a weird sensation again to be walking into the hospital, not wearing scrubs and knowing that I was not playing nurse that day. It is always weird getting hooked up to this IV pump and watching everyone else around me. I cannot say I am a fan. I may have said this before, but I feel like two different people, one who is sick with MS and the other who is somewhat, usually- (who am i kidding--sometimes) emotionally stable and thinks she can do things like she used to.. surprise, she can't. (Point proven this week)

The rest of the week I came back two more times. The worst part about these steroids were the side effects.
The first one I noticed was the gross taste in my mouth. My brother asked me about this a few months ago, when he gave me one of my injections he asked me if I got a metallic taste in my mouth. I just kind of laughed at him and said no. It was during this infusion that I fully realized his disgust with this taste. It is gross and doesn't just go away after a few minutes. It lasts the whole day!
The second lovely side effect was back pain. At first I thought it was the chair, but it was comfortable chair which threw me off. But it came back the second and third day also. Oh the joys.
The third thing was the 'false energy' it gave me. I had not hung out with friends for a long time for a long period of time. I kind of drained myself this week. I made lots of food for a potluck dinner, invited friends over for supper and just stayed up late, which was great, until I crashed.

Yesterday I crashed, I went for my last treatment at 0930 until 1030. I went and picked up some other medication from the pharmacy. Got home around 1130. Ate lunch. Took a shower and then napped from 1300-1700. It was kind of really nice.

Today, well I feel like crap, my back is killing me, my stomach feels gross, I feel dizzy and light headed, my legs are weak and clumsy and I am CRAVING french fries!! (Oh that is what I am going to have for supper, oven roasted potatoes). Oh well, I will quit my complaining. (I am also sorry if this post sounds a little discombobulated)

I have a quote for you today. I finished a very cute book today, (Started and finished this week, if you know me at all you would be impressed) It was called "The Art of Racing in the Rain." It is written by the perspective of a dog. Goes through his whole life and you learn to love his masters, learning about race car driving. One of characters, Eve (the wife) is diagnosed with brain cancer, she fights it, but eventually she dies. However this dog has decided that when he dies he is going to come back into the world as a human and he is going to be an amazing human. This is one of his quotes...

"To live everyday as if it has been stolen from death, that is how one should live. To feel the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter everyday. To say I am alive, I am wondering I am. That is something to aspire to." 

~Just a Girl

One Year

Wow, thinking back on what was going on last February it was a whirlwind. Literally. I rolled over in bed one morning and everything changed. I felt like I had been on a tire swing all night and wanted to throw up. Three weeks later it went away. I then noticed that when I walked my vision was being funny. It then snowballed from there...

However it is so strange to look back, I have been up until this point thinking "Last year at this time I was playing volleyball and not tired all the time, my hands weren't numb." I feel like I am hitting these milestones and not necessarily being bitter about it, but thinking about how things can change so fast and you have no idea what is to come.

This next week is reading and I have decided its a good time to take the time to just seek God, pray, worship and just think about things going on in my life. Yesterday I went down to one of my favorite spots near the river. I had my sleeping bag, a blanket, my journal and my Bible. It was a nice sunny, spring-ish day, not super cold. But it was nice to just sit there and talk to God, and think. The best part about these moments was after I journaled and I was desiring to hear God's voice and just wanting answers about my future. I then opened my Bible on my phone and it had a "Verse of the Day" This is what it was.
Jeremiah 33:2,3 "2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: 3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

It was a perfect verse. It is a perfect verse. IT is so true, and encouraging. This verse also sums up what I want out of this week. It has been a hard semester, probably as hard as last semester but in different ways. These past few weeks have been difficult, but it feels like things are looking up. I have found a few of my friends again, which has been really nice. I have a full week off to focus and just take a bit of time for myself. Which is my plan.

Anyways those are a few of my thoughts for tonight. I hope your guys' weekend was good. Have a great week!

~Just a Girl

Day 107- God is Able

God is AbleHe will never failHe is almighty God
Greater than all we seekGreater than all we askHe has done great things
Lifted up, He defeated the graveraised to life, our God is ableIn His name, we overcomeFor the Lord, our God is able
God is with usGod is on our sideHe will make a way
Far above all we knowFar above all we hopeHe has done great things
I went out tonight.. to a worship night for the city. It was good to get out of the house for a bit and just get lost in the worship. It was actually so great to get lost in worship. I hadn't had that in a while. I also learned something about myself... that when I am 'lost', by myself in the back or a room I feel so comfortable that I will dance or fall to my knees in worship. It was a good feeling to feel free without judgement in doing that. What also helped with that was an old friend for years had tried to get me to dance and jump in church or someplace of worship and I just never felt comfortable.  However the persistance of them and encouragement to do so helped...eventually. I think they would've been proud of me :) 
So tonight they had 4 different bands play and in between they had a bit of a message or quick thought. For the first 3 bands I knew one or two of their songs. However the last band I knew most of them and the one was "God is Able." I love how much truth there is to that song. Every line is so true. I feel like its hard to come to terms with it at times but when I do it brings me to tears. 
So, about my week or at least since my last post. I wouldn't say that it has been easy. But I am thankful for a few things. 
1. Clinical- Being in the hospital is so encouraging. My uncle and aunt keep telling me how I just glow after I come home from the hospital. It is so nice to just be able to talk to patients, learn. I usually feel completely useless and inept. My highlight so far has been being able to talk to a client about their post surgery symptoms. I had done a assessment with my clinical instructor watching, she pointed out one thing that I missed on the assessment and was teling about edema and we were scaling it. Afterwards, later that evening I went back and was checking out on them I checked for edema again and asked them if they even knew what that was. They said they didn't so I explained to them that after surgery is was swelling and fluid build up in their leg and so on. But it was good to frist feel like I knew what I was doing and I was able to just talk and get to know them better. 
2. Exercise- I love that feeling of knowing that you have done something productive and healthy. I know that right know I am not able to exercise like I used to, running, playing volleyball, basketball etc. So I have taken up swimming. Keeps my body cool enough that I can still see when I'm done. But my girlfriend and I have been going to the pool like 5 days a week. I personally just swim for a designated amount of time and she likes to do 32 laps (800m) and then be done. Most of the time it is do 4 laps and then take a break and--chat pretty much. But one day this week I did 20 laps at one time (I have also learned how to flip turn). THEN the next day I was determined to do more, and did all 800m without stopping. If it doesn't seem like an impressive feat IT IS!! 
3. Friends- I have been blessed with 3 great friends this semester. One is my swimming buddy and she is in like all of my classes. She is great-- favorite moments was this past week before clinical we were going to study, swim and then go to clinical. However we ended up skipping the studying and just going early and goofing around. We would end up getting there and realizing that we were exhausted and just being ridiculous. We have decided that we would be a rockstar team if we were even allowed to be in the same clinical group. Another one of my friends is kind of amazing, she is a rockstar on her own. Her and her husband are incredible and such great role models. They have been a great support for me, trying to figure out my MS stuff and have been a good prayer supporter as well. So thank you. My third one, she makes me laugh. I have really gotten to know her much better in the past month. We drove home to PG together after Christmas which was a great bonding moment, we go swimming occasionally, one day I got a call at 7:00am asking if I could help her out, and I got to play nurse all day. Which was honestly the highlight of that week. It has been great to make a new friend and realize that they have very very similar views as you. She is one of those. Each of these girls have been an amazing blessing to me in the past few months and I know that it will continue on in the future. 
So those are the top three things that have been on my "Thankful List" lately. 
The pain in my hands have been on and off. Right now is alright, but tonight it was really bugging me. I also find that when I am stressed out the pain gets worse. Not fun. 
OH! But I talked to my MS nurse about my pain she has a potential solution. It is a 3 day infusion, most likely in PG of a steroid and then also receive a drug called Tegretol (carbamazipine), which is an anticonvusant for seizures  and apparently neuropathic pain. I am hoping to do that over Reading Break. Supposed to help the pain and possibly help with a bit of the fatigue. So I will keep you updated. 
That is all for tonight. I am going to bed.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. 
~Just a Girl 
PS. The Day #- incase you either forgot or don't know. But it is the amount of days since I started treatment. (My drug trial)