Behind the Mask

So, I've been thinking today.. as I usually do, but today was different. First I want to tell you about my day:

0500- Alarm goes off, time for me to get up for clinical. I didn't sleep great, butt that was ok because today was my last day of my clinical for the week.

0500.04- Snooze.

0509- Alarm goes off again... I get up.

0620- Start my walk to the hospital. It was still kind of dark, so I decided that I didn't want my headphones in so I could hear what was going on around me. But this morning was really pretty, the sunrise was beautiful.

0645-1430- Lots happened during that time, but I won't bore you too much with the details

1430- Started my steroid infusion.

1545- Started my walk home and processed the day.




Today I realized how easy it is to hide behind a mask, to be able to be someone different by putting on a different 'face', attitude, interests, clothes.

This afternoon I went from giving medications, bed paths. making beds, helping people get out of bed, showing them how to use their new glucose monitoring devices.. I went from that to myself being poked and prodded with IV needles, getting my blood pressure and temperature checked. I went up there in my scrubs and name tag, the women who worked up there could see I was a student nurse and we talked about it a wee bit. But then after my treatment they saline locked my IV wrapped it up and sent me on my way.

I then put on my jacked and left the ward. I was back, I was just a student nurse again. No one could tell any different that I had a chronic illness. Lately I have found it hard to remember that no one can see my MS, no one to meet me on the street would be able to tell that I have an illness. It makes me remember that it is so easy to hide.

Sometimes its nice to not have people know about my MS, but lately I have found it hard to explain this not well known disease to people.
Well not explain the disease per say, but the affects of it in my life. The fatigue is indescribable, the pain is hard to explain, the numbness isn't actually like your hard being asleep, even though I tell people it is, and thats only because I don't know how to explain it.
This past week I have wished that people just knew, they knew what it was like, but they won't unless they actually have the disease, or one like it themselves they will not know. Part of me is thankful, especially as a nurse. It brings me to my patients level to their playing field, when I give them and IV, or their next injection, when I give them their cup full of pills I can tell them with 100% honesty "I know how you feel." I am sick, I may not be as sick as them at that point but I do know what it is like.
Sure sometimes this life is hard, and these next few months are going to be hard. At points I am going to feel like I am drowning in 4 feet of water, while everyone else is just fine.  I will be more exhausted than ever and things are going to be nuts! But thats ok, I have friends, I have you guys praying for me and my family on my side. So....it will be ok. :)

Thanks again guys for all of your support and prayer.

Kate

NEW POSTING**

Due to the fact that school is busy, life is busy, and at times I am either lazy or EXHAUSTED I am only going to do one blog from this point on... Sorry if you have not been getting my updates... but I wanted to give you my other blog.

This new one I used for when I went public about my MS. Does not have all of the suff this old one does, but it's still pretty good.. more pictures :)

But here is the new address... MonSter Hiding

Enjoy!

-Kate