Update

Just incase some of you are still checking this blog for updates..

I have switched-----

Go to >>>This ONE <<<<


Thanks!

Kate

One of Those Days

Today is one of those days that I have to keep reminding myself that I am ok, that yes I live with this disease but I am ok.

I think it comes down to that same idea that I wrote about in my last blog post. "Behind a Mask."

Yesterday I was talking to a classmate about my life and mentioned that I had MS and it limited me from doing some things. She looked at me surprised, "Really?"

It was one of those wave moments where it feels like everything is just hitting me. Maybe its because school stuff is slowing down a wee bit and giving me more time to think about myself. Regardless, it made me realize that most people don't think about me as the girl who has MS. Which is a good thing, and I do appreciate that most people aren't judging me on the fact that I do have a disease, but I makes me sad when I have to retell my story. It is like re opening a wound that I thought had healed and as that happens it opens a whole can of worms I just wish I could bury for good.

With these feelings I find myself daily talking myself into staying positive despite what is going on and to keep trekking forward. Some days like today or even yesterday are harder than usual. I'm not really sure why, but I do know that I need to just keep swimming and keep my head above water. To remember the positive things in my life and put that smile back on my face.

Behind the Mask

So, I've been thinking today.. as I usually do, but today was different. First I want to tell you about my day:

0500- Alarm goes off, time for me to get up for clinical. I didn't sleep great, butt that was ok because today was my last day of my clinical for the week.

0500.04- Snooze.

0509- Alarm goes off again... I get up.

0620- Start my walk to the hospital. It was still kind of dark, so I decided that I didn't want my headphones in so I could hear what was going on around me. But this morning was really pretty, the sunrise was beautiful.

0645-1430- Lots happened during that time, but I won't bore you too much with the details

1430- Started my steroid infusion.

1545- Started my walk home and processed the day.




Today I realized how easy it is to hide behind a mask, to be able to be someone different by putting on a different 'face', attitude, interests, clothes.

This afternoon I went from giving medications, bed paths. making beds, helping people get out of bed, showing them how to use their new glucose monitoring devices.. I went from that to myself being poked and prodded with IV needles, getting my blood pressure and temperature checked. I went up there in my scrubs and name tag, the women who worked up there could see I was a student nurse and we talked about it a wee bit. But then after my treatment they saline locked my IV wrapped it up and sent me on my way.

I then put on my jacked and left the ward. I was back, I was just a student nurse again. No one could tell any different that I had a chronic illness. Lately I have found it hard to remember that no one can see my MS, no one to meet me on the street would be able to tell that I have an illness. It makes me remember that it is so easy to hide.

Sometimes its nice to not have people know about my MS, but lately I have found it hard to explain this not well known disease to people.
Well not explain the disease per say, but the affects of it in my life. The fatigue is indescribable, the pain is hard to explain, the numbness isn't actually like your hard being asleep, even though I tell people it is, and thats only because I don't know how to explain it.
This past week I have wished that people just knew, they knew what it was like, but they won't unless they actually have the disease, or one like it themselves they will not know. Part of me is thankful, especially as a nurse. It brings me to my patients level to their playing field, when I give them and IV, or their next injection, when I give them their cup full of pills I can tell them with 100% honesty "I know how you feel." I am sick, I may not be as sick as them at that point but I do know what it is like.
Sure sometimes this life is hard, and these next few months are going to be hard. At points I am going to feel like I am drowning in 4 feet of water, while everyone else is just fine.  I will be more exhausted than ever and things are going to be nuts! But thats ok, I have friends, I have you guys praying for me and my family on my side. So....it will be ok. :)

Thanks again guys for all of your support and prayer.

Kate

NEW POSTING**

Due to the fact that school is busy, life is busy, and at times I am either lazy or EXHAUSTED I am only going to do one blog from this point on... Sorry if you have not been getting my updates... but I wanted to give you my other blog.

This new one I used for when I went public about my MS. Does not have all of the suff this old one does, but it's still pretty good.. more pictures :)

But here is the new address... MonSter Hiding

Enjoy!

-Kate

Prayer

So as I am sitting here thinking about this past week, getting home from England, driving 8 hrs to get to Prince George, hanging out with a few friends. I am trying to keep myself from falling asleep. I really do want to get up right now go downstairs and socialize with my family. It is dawning on me that I need to pace myself in my day. Because when I don't sleep well and I am busy from 0800-2000hrs then I am wiped.

I am truly hoping that my summer will be relaxing but a few of my prayer requests are:

1. Being able to focus on myself and learn to not drain myself or waste 'spoons' during my day. Whether I am at camp, home, or hanging out with friends. I think I will have to learn to be diligent in not over working myself.

2. But with that said I will need energy this summer, to do my job and just to live. I will need that and prayer for good sleeps. Which is so important for me. I could take sleeping drugs, but those aren't great to depend on either.

3. I am also praying that God will help provide me with the financial need that I have this summer and for school next year. I am so thankful that I have been supported by family to take the summer off and do something a little more relaxing.

Thank you so much guys, for your prayers and continued thoughts. I appreciate it so much.

Kate

This World Fails_Guaranteed

So I got home from London 2 or 3 days ago.. I don't remember, weird time change stuff. But it was a great trip! I loved every part of it. We went to Italy, and a few different towns in the north. It was great! Travelled around London, went to many tourist spots and went to different castles, boated down some rivers, went and saw two plays. It was quite great! Here are some of my favorite pics.

Listen to this song as you scroll down the page: Click Here and Listen

Yesterday I was driving home from meeting with a wonderful friend in Abbotsford. I love this girl so much. She brings me such joy. Our times together are few and spread apart over a lot of time. But she encourages me so much. I love her taking advice from her and learning together. She always seems to have such great insight and it is so encouraging. 

As I was driving home I turned up my music just like I LOVE to do these days. It's fun to be able to just block out the world for a few minutes while I am in my car bubble. However its a real bummer when there isn't any good music on the radio. But as I was switching through I got to the Christian Station and the song that was playing was "One Thing Remains". I love that song so much. But as I was driving home singing, listening to the lyrics it really hit me.. again. That God's love doesn't fail, ever! and it never will. It was a great comforting thought.

Everything in this world FAILS: everything, that is our 100% guarantee of this world. Everyone, everything dies, everything 'moves on'. Nothing is the same forever. People fail, in thoughts, words, actions. No matter what. Nothing on this earth is perfect. It was an eye opener for my yesterday when I just came to this overwhelming realization that God doesn't fail. He is and always will be the ONE  constant in my life. No hurt will come from Him, no pain. He wants what's best for me, He wants good, and pure, and right, and 'forever' things for me. I just had a great sense of JOY when I came to that yesterday.

This world, this hurt, this pain, these short lived times of joy or happiness are not forever. NONE of it is... this world will end, we will end. Inevitably we will fail and there is nothing we can do about it. But there is grace and mercy that Jesus provides in this world. He will give us the joy, the truth that we need to survive in this failing world. He will sustain every part of us.

This is something I want to learn to accept daily. To turn to Him when I am hurt, in pain, fatigued/exhausted, frustrated  dismayed. I want to learn better to come to God in those moments of trials/tribulations/good times and bad. 

Yesterday my friend challenged me in that again. I challenge I want to accept...again. 

And remember WHO doesn't fail in my life. God: the One and Only. 

"Overwhelms and satisfies my soul. 

I never ever have to be afraid"

Now that I may have gotten your attention I could change my blog title to "Your Love Never Fails" 

but at this point I won't. : )

Thanks for reading this today!

Kate

London and More...

Well, as I promised I would tell you guys about my next three weeks. So as of now I am in London, England. (Well actually I'm on the plane at 1:00am your time)
Oh man, I have wanted to come to England and Europe since I was about 10. It is something I have always talked about.. If you have heard my talk about my future honeymoon, it was in my mind always backpacking Europe just like my parents.
My aunt lives here and her and my dad collaborated and decided it was a great time for me to come over. I wasn't about to argue with that either. My aunt has lots of my time planned out already, which I think will be kind of nice, I honestly am not picky. I'm just stoked to hang out with her and see many amazing places.
0309- Half an hour from landing and I am catching myself holding back a huge smile... I am getting so excited, I almost feel like it's a movie.. And that I can't be real--but soon enough it will be.
At this point I almost wish I could just be in my own plane and be able to turn up the music super loud and just have my own dance party.. Which is possibly one of my favorite things these days in my car on my own. : )
-------------------------
Count it all joy, when you are faxed with trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything.
Looking back still I LOVE this verse. Every time I think about it something new comes up, "mature and not lacking in anything" I don't know about you but lately I have found each new 'problem' as a challenge and find myself looking for a lesson in that... I would also love to challenge you as well: When faced with something that sucks, find the joy, find a lesson, laugh through it. That has been my main way of getting through the terrible situations. My friends, family and I have had a few good laughs about my MonSter on more than one occasion. I also love when someone else teases me or throws something at me from left field and totally surprises me. I want my friends to be ok with it and be able to laugh with/at me.
I also want to say thank you for the responses I have gotten from my blog. Some of the messages and comments that I have gotten brings me great joy. When I was first diagnosed I remembered the blog my family started for Sam. I knew how much of an encouragement that blog was for other people. I wanted to be able to make something for other people in the future to read and be encouraged by. If there are or were lessons, tips, tricks, etc that I could learn and have others learn from them also without being in my shoes then that was my goal, is my goal still. I know it helped one person specifically with seeing how MS really affected someone on a daily basis, gave her a new understanding of MS. Even if it was just for that one person this whole process is worth it for me. Medically, earthy, without God healing me completely I will be stuck with this disease. (I do believe that God can heal me, but right now I still have the disease) I will have this disease for the rest of my life, which I have come to terms with. There are great drugs to look after the symptoms and stuff but no cure-yet. So if I am going to have this disease than why not make the best of it? I'm not saying I always think like that, but God is good, He is faithful and has taken care of me so well this past year especially. I know He will continue to so the same

Summer, Finally!

This summer I will be working at camp, as I may have said before, but I wanted to send out a support letter, but I also thought posting the letter on here and telling you a bit about my summer plans and different forms of support I would LOVE from you.

If you would like to support me in any way, please send me an email HERE and I will be able to send you some more information and I would also love to know who is supporting me so I am able to thank you and keep up personally updated on my summer. Thank you so much!

________________________

Dear FRIENDS,

Summer is nearly here!  This past year has been very challenging for me at school and adjusting to living with a serious chronic illness.  Last September, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  MS is generally diagnosed in people my age and is a debilitating disease affecting myelin which acts as insulation surrounding nerves.  The worst symptoms of MS are fatigue, loss of vision, loss of feeling in my hands and legs and continued attacks which damage the nervous system throughout my body.  Every patient with MS responds differently to the disease but unfortunately my type is aggressive with very short periods of relapse.  I am participating in a drug trial at UBC which means I inject myself (painfully) with an interferon every other day.

MS has been a difficult adjustment and has caused me to think about my life very differently, in terms of school, my career, time management and much more. I have just finished my second year of nursing in Prince George at the College of New Caledonia. It was a busy year with classroom lectures, labs and clinical rotations at the hospital. It was wonderful to be working in the hospital at least two days a week. I absolutely loved working in the hospital; it was great to feel my career choice affirmed every time I was there.  But it was very hard.

I have been given a unique opportunity this summer. Echo Lake Bible Camp, a small camp in Northern BC near Vanderhoof, needs a camp photographer this summer. I will be capturing the great moments that camp provides for children through games, activities, skills and much more. I am excited about this chance  to spend my summer at camp with a great friend, making new friends, serving God and taking pictures.

I have learned that I cannot do life on my own.  I need help.  God has given me the strength and courage to face challenges in my life.   Please keep me in your prayers this summer.  Constant fatigue is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Also, would you pray that I won’t get any more attacks from MS this summer?  I am hoping to have minimal setbacks over the summer and next year and am praying that the new drug they are testing for MS will be available to me in 16 months time.

I also am going to nursing school at UNBC full time next year and I have saved up about half the money I require for 3rd year.  Would you consider supporting my work at camp this summer by donating to Echo Lake Bible Camp’s student bursary program?  I have chosen to serve God this summer at camp while I am strong enough to work with children and share my gifts with others.  I would appreciate your help so much as I serve the Lord at Echo Lake.

Thank you so much for taking to the time to consider helping me this summer.  Your prayers, support and financial help will make a world of difference in my life and in the lives of the children I touch this summer at camp.

Blessings,

Kate Goertzen                                                                                                                                 goertzen.kate@gmail.com

___________________

Hope you guys have  great day!
On Thursday I will fill you in on what I am doing for the next three weeks!

~Kate

Count it all Joy

So I finally finished second year, passed with mostly B's, which totally surprised me. But wow, does it feel good to be done school. I feel like I can finally breathe a little bit and then this summer is going to be awesome! I am so excited for it--my best friend is coming home and we are working at camp together, I am going on a trip of a life time as of next week. I would honestly really like to say things are looking up, however EVERY time I have said that lately something seems to crash and burn within 24 hours.

Let me tell you about my trip down to Abbotsford a few days ago... So I was talking to a friend the day before and they were asking me how I was doing, I said great! School was done, I was catching up with people, going to Abbotsford and I was doing really good. I had been planning on driving down to Abbotsford the next day and surprising my family by showing up at their school a day early. I left at 7:00 that morning.

7:10--I got to the major intersection by the casino and remembered I forgot my camera under my bed so I quickly turned around and grabbed it. Phew, I thought to myself- that would've been bad to forget something like that. I looked around my room for what seemed like the 10th time that morning and nope, nothing forgot. Then left again.

8:00-- OH CRAP!! At this point I was 20mins from Quesnel and realized that I forgot my medications in the fridge at home. I quickly called my uncle to see if it was possible for him to mail them to my parents house that day. He said yes, and I continued to drive...3 messages and a voicemail later from my uncle again saying that it wasn't possible to mail them. And then another hour waiting to hear from my MS nurse to see if anything was possible than besides driving all the way back home.

9:00-- After, possibly shedding a few tears and feeling quite ticked again, I turned around and for the 2nd time that day driving my LEAST favorite part of the drive going to go pick up my medications.

10:30-- Finally, on the road....AGAIN! Oh well, what else could go wrong, she said to herself with a bit of a laugh...oh, if only she knew...haha

Williams Lake: As I drove through I thought to myself, if only nothing had gone wrong I would be in  Abbotsford by now. Oh well.

2:00-- 20km outside of Williams Lake engine light goes on. This then gives me flashbacks to when I was about 14 years old and we were on a road trip and something happened to our van and we were stuck for hours outside of 100 Mile House. I can't remember why, but we did. So I really didn't need that happen again. So I called my uncle, checked my owners manual and decided to turn around...yet again. This time with even more tears and becoming even more ticked.

2:30-- Found the Toyota dealer, went in and asked if someone could come look at my car... still trying to hold myself together the guy tells me that he probably won't be able to do anything for me until later this afternoon. Maybe it was the look on my face, trying to really hold back the tears and make sure my voice didn't quiver. But he left and came back 5 minutes later and said that someone would come check it out.

3:00-- They come back with my car and tell my the catalytic converter should be replaced, it is losing efficiency. But again, not something I wanted to hear--especially since I didn't even know what that was. And then he told me the price of a new one and fixing it. But by 3:30 I was on the road again and promised myself there was no stopping until Cache Creek.

6:00-- Cache Creek, time to gas up and then I thought 'Really, one more thing could go wrong today..' So I quickly hopped over to Kal Tire and asked them to torque my tires (I got them changed a few weeks ago).

8:30-- Finally arrived at my parents house. They were delightfully surprised and I was DEAD, tired, back was sore and everything else hurt.

Some lessons learned for the day... I was quickly reminded of one of my favorite verses of the year. James 1:2-3 "Count it all JOY when faced with trials of many kinds..." That was one thing that I kept coming back to that day and I have found that verse many many times this past year.


However, now it is officially summer for me and next week I will be leaving for a trip of a life time.. keep updated and I will let you know eventually what it is. I am stoked.

Anyways, I hope you are having a great day!

~Just a Girl

Beautiful, Worth It All...

Ah, man, encouraging words come in the most awesome of places. I have had a bit of a crazy emotional week (a little while ago). But I think it ending well, each day is becoming better and better. But I was telling a friend about it this afternoon and her words were just to pray about it and give it to God. Which was a reminder that I needed. I am learning to love the little reminders that yeah, I need prayer, I need God and I can't do life on my own. I need His guidance and hold to His promises in life, this isn't it--there is so much better for us, that God desires so much more for us than what we can even imagine. It really comes down to just that, I need to remind myself continually that there is more, there is best for me in so many areas of my life here on earth, but also when I die.

I was also talking to this girl and thinking about my summer plans and my trips and working at camp this summer, she was saying how it will be so good for me. It made me think about how crazy this year has been for me, seriously its been nuts! I mean, you guys have been reading my posts and have taken this journey with me.

Here I will give you some of the things I have learned since September:

1. I had to learn to lower my expectations for myself when it came to school. This one took me a while to learn. For the longest time I couldn't figure out in my head whether or not it was me, who was too lazy to study and thats why I couldn't get good enough marks. Or it was because I was too tired to be able to study because of my MS. It took months, and months for me to realize it didn't matter why I was too tired all the time, just that I was and that was all that mattered. It was then I had to learn how to deal with my fatigue. Too bad it took until my last exam week to come up with a compromise to my fatigue. I realized that I couldn't study in the evening for my first exam and I still had classes the day before, so I went to bed at 7:00 and then woke up at 5:30 and studied from 6-7:30am. It was great. I was still able to focus and study. I used that approach for the last few of my exams and it turned out quite well.

2. I have really learned I need my girlfriends. I love friends, period. But the few girls I have really gotten to know over the course of this year has been amazing. I have deepened good relationships and they have become great! I love the time spent with them, their encouraging words, thoughts and prayers I wouldn't trade anything for.

3. I have learned how to adjust. Adjust to living with fatigue, with out some of my long time friends, to school, exercise. This year has been a year of adjusting... maybe tweaking how I study or the hours of sleep I get throughout the night. Any and everyone has to adjust, some have to learn these lessons earlier in life. I was thinking about an eleven year old boy lately, he went through a hell of a time with cancer. But wow, I am floored every time I think about the amount of adjusting he had to go through. Three and a half years of treatment, the first seven months of it being the worst. But now, looking at him and thinking about what he went through brings me to tears.

4. I have learned that life is good, no, life is great! I am loving the constant, daily reminder of what life is about. Some of my favourite parts of my day is just driving on my own. Being in my car putting on some great music and thinking. It is also about loving people, loving God, seeing the greatness in creation. I have been working in the hospital a lot lately, I have seen so many sick people and watched them suffer in pain, I have seen some family members come and see their mothers on Mothers Day, some stayed for hours, some stayed for 10 minutes. To me it makes me see some peoples priorities and what they value. It makes me so thankful for my family and the values we have. That we value each others lives, to see the way my mom interacts with her dad is encouraging especially on the days he isn't doing well. But to love people is so important, no matter what.


I know there are so many other things I have learned and taken to heart lately, but at this point I can't seem to put them into words, also since it has taken almost a week to write this I will post.

I am so greatly looking forward to this summer and will tell you all about my summer plans soon. After my trip I am going to be working at Echo Lake Bible Camp with one of my best friends from high school. We were talking last night on Skype and I was getting so excited. It will be a great summer, away from Prince George, not in school or in the hospital. I will be hanging out with new people, kids, and doing what I love a ton! Wich I did not get to do enough of this last year--photography. I have 4 more days of clinical and year 2 of nursing then I am home free and recovering fully from it. Ah... just stoked!

Well I hope you guys are having a wonderful Monday afternoon.


~Just a Girl

Spoons

So this past few days, after my exams I kind of found my self on Pintrest and looking at stuff they had on Multiple Sclerosis. It was really interesting... here are some of the pics, its ok to laugh out loud, because I know I certainly did and then I have a story to  tell you. 

This actually happens....

Made me laugh

Story of my life... school was an interesting challenge. 

This is one of my favorites!!

Please don't think all of this happens to me. But it made me smile

This is what your nerves look like compared to mine. 

I know I talked a bit about my vision going nuts when I exercise. This is what my vison is like when I do. See its off.

Now for my story... its about spoons. Exciting right? Well found this way of describing autoimmune diseases like Lupus online the other day and it made so much sense, so I will do my best to adapt it the best I can. But this is how I would now describe to someone who asked me "What is it like to live with MS?"
Each day, people get up, get going to work, maybe eat breakfast in the morning and then are off for the day. They don't have to think twice about it. Most people are able to just go about their day thinking of their work, family, friends, their plans for the night or the weekend ahead of them. (If I was sitting with you right now I would grab a bunch of spoons) I would grab spoons and give them to you saying "You know how MS." You might look at me like I'm nuts, but I'm not (well not completely). But bear with me here... now you are holding a bundle of spoons, count them out for me-- you have 10. You might laugh a little bit not really knowing where I am going with this.. but it will be good I promise. Ok, you now have 12 spoons. Now tell me about your week and the things you have to get done, or your weekend plans.. tell me those; are you gonna go out with friends? Stay up late watching a movie? Are you going to go bowling or who knows.. think about it.. what do you do? Are you in school and have a huge midterm or final coming up? When are you going to study, when are you going to sleep, eat, socialize  So give me a list of the things you are going to do. I don't just mean leaving the house and going out, I mean the little things too, like cooking, cleaning, exercise. Ok, so think about that list for a second.....
How many things came up in your head that you would do in a day? Ok, come back to me and now we will get to the spoons. Each spoon is a symbol of a task you can complete in a day. Not very much right? How fast did you run out of spoons? Now what do you do? Just give up on the day? But how are you able to complete the tasks you have to do... well I guess I could borrow a spoon from the next day. But then it wrecks that day and can quickly become a downward spiral. But for those who aren't 'sick' most people have unlimited spoons so they don't have to think quite so hard about it. 

Interesting thought right? For me, during school and say midterm weeks my spoon collections seemed pretty limited. There was only so much I could do, and at a certain time my brain would actually just shut off from exhaustion--and at that point I would only have about 3 more spoons left. But I have an exam the next day, classes ended at 12, so I have 2 decent hours to study, but I need lunch that takes time, so then I have 1.5 hours. But the beginning of my week was brutal and I just need to rest. So I go home, eat, sleep, maybe go for a walk, try to study, and then go to bed at 8:00pm. OR I can borrow a spoon from the next day...sure, I'll take some caffeine  and stay up later and study. However that wrecks the next day because now I have one less spoon for that day. I am now even more tired. I panicked all night about this test, I didn't sleep well and now I have to go write a test and I am kind of freaking out.
At times I find myself thinking about what I can do or counting my spoons in the afternoon on a Friday and friends are hanging out and want to go have a fire. But I do have think about my weekend and hte week after that because if I stay up late, and my body has now decided that no matter how late I stay up I get up by 7:00am. So I am going to have to borrow spoons from other days, and it might not be just one day, it could be a few days in a row.

_________________________________________

So that is my Spoon Story. I hope it makes sense... Here is the link to the original story that I found the other day: Spoon Theory. I am pretty sure her story might make a little more sense.. but my disease is a bit different than Lupus, so I hope that might be able to help you understand a disease, and not just mine but others around you too.



-Just a Girl

Finally Done_Almost

April 27, 2013

Finally, and I am not totally sure how, but I am done my classes for the semester and my finals. And then the best part of this whole story is that I passed all of my courses this year. (when i found that out I cried) To be honest I am totally sure how I did it, but I also know that it is not something I did on my own. I would not have been able to accomplish this without family, friends and most importantly God. It has been an absolutely crazy year and not one I wish to repeat in any means, but I learned many things about myself.  Maybe, one day I will give a nice list.


April 30, 2013

Well, one thing I have learned is to not take for granted the good times in life, just don't go through life and not take the time to look back, or forward and be thankful for the things you have.
One of the biggest things in my life lately have been my friends and family. Wow I do not know or want to even think about what I would do without them. The encouragement that they deliver, the prayer, thoughts, comfort, someone to cry with, laugh with, someone to just make fun of me and help me laugh and myself, or even just talk to for hours.

Man, as I'm sure you've read in the past year.. its been rough, and at times when I think things are clearing up, something else pops up, granted it happens with everyone... but I also am the one writing the blog and I get to talk about my wonderful challenges. :) In retrospect, and I am trying to learn to see the challenges in life a good thing, something that would help me grow, move on, grow deeper with Christ.
Last night I hung out with two great friends and a awesome baby--I was having a less than ideal day, I mean seriously getting shampoo in your eyes sucks! (I havent done that since I was like 5, and this stuff wasn't kid friendly) That was only part of it, but I will spare you the details and will just hit the highlights of the day. I was able to hang out with my cousin, saw another good friend who touches my heart every time we hang out, she is so encouraging and just speaks truth into my life.
But it was last night in the evening that one of my friends reminded me of James 1:2-4. I know I wrote a post on it a while ago but it was a great reminder.

James 1:2-4

"Count it all joy my brothers, when you are faced with trials of many kind, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete and not lacking anything."

I love love love this verse, I love the challenge (at times). It is a good reminder for any point in life, but I want to be able to look back on the trials of many kinds be proud of the way I persevered through them. I want to be mature not lacking in anything. 

Some days I don't feel competent, I feel insecure, I don't feel good enough....but I also know its not true, those are the lies of the world. But those things are not true, and it is nice to be able to see those things and recognize the lies. I know I am loved, I am worthy, I am a great friend, I am smart, I know these things and it is a good reminder to tell our selves the truths that God tells us. We are His, we are loved and cherished everyday. I want to remind myself that daily, I know I don't and at times it makes it hard, when I believe the lies.
I guess that would be one thing I have learned over this last semester; life is a choice. A good/great life is a choice. To be with God is a choice. But there are always two options, sometimes a lot more evident when something hard comes along, but you can choose to let it over take you, run your life or you can chose to deal with it. Give the challenges to God and "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. Hey, I also am not gonna put myself on any kind of pedestal, because I don't do that all the time, but I want to. 

Anyways, I have had a few realizations over the past little while and those are a few I've had.

Hope you have a great day!

-Just a Girl

Quarter Way Treatment Day

I have been on my treatment plan for officially 6 months. I have 18 months left then I will be on the "Rock Star" drug. : )

_____________________________________________

As some of you know or remember from my Facebook post this morning I was quite concerned about this dreadful cough and my MRI. I don't know about you but I find it impossible to cough and keep completely still while someone is taking a picture (or 100's) of my brain.

But today's MRI did go well, or as well as a 2.5 hour MRI can go. My cough behaved a little better than I anticipated. I just asked for a bit of water in between some of the pictures. I only had to redo 2 or 3 of them in the end. Which wasn't ideal, but I would rather they have great pictures if I could just hold still a little longer.
However I have discovered a new drug, well not new, but new to me. Ativan--anti-anxiety/sedation drug. I have a lot of those to my psychotic patients to calm them if they were hearing voices or something like that- so its a very strong drug. But wow! is it ever good. Granted I went to the MRI tired, but that drug put me into a nice calm state drifting in and out of thoughts and dreams. I may or may not have felt like the walls were moving and it felt like I was in a hammock swaying back and forth, itt was nice. None the less it was still painful and extremely uncomfortable, but I made it though alright. It is better now that I have done a few and am knowing what to expect. But Ativan is the way to go for sure.

Tomorrow is infusion day. Should take up to 5 hours to infuse me and a few more tests like blood work and such. They might want to check on my heart to make sure no drugs are damaging it. But then I will be heading home.

I will say it has been super nice to get out of PG and see friends. I saw my cousin and a few other friends at UBC last night and it was GREAT! We laughed pretty hard and made many many many connectons between my family and my friends and other families. It is crazy how small the Christian community can be and how interconnected people can get. But it was a lot of fun.

Tonight I hung out with one of my close girl friends who comes to my treatment days with me from Abbotsford. She wanted me to meet one of her friends who is going to school at UBC and it was great. We had a lot of fun going out for supper, talking, hanging out, sharing stories and getting to know one another.

The hospital part of this trip and the reasons for why I am here aren't great, but it has been great finding ways to make the trips better. Meeting new friends, seeing old ones, visiting cousins. It has been really nice.

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. These next few weeks are going to be tough mentally and probably emotionally. Trying to finish up my semester and pass my classes. I am going to need a lot more energy to finish up this year strong. But then I do have a lot to look forward to this summer, which one day I will tell you more about. : )

A friend posted this part of these verses the other day and it hit me in a good place so I will leave it with you tonight: (last line is my favorite)

1 Peter 5:7-10 

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.

8 Be alert and sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 

10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Chris, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

Have a great night guys! Rest well.


~Just a Girl

Day 160- Almost Done!

Oh, how much I am looking forward to being almost finished my semester. It has been a blur. To be honest the start, or even Christmas feels like forever ago, I feel like so much has happened. But I am glad to be finished and at this point would rather look forward than eminence about the past.

So what are my plans for after the semester? Well let me tell you, and then tell you how excited I am about them.

So after my exams, which end on the 25th of April I have four more weeks of clinical. I am on a different floor, Family Medicine Unit. It will be a much different experience than my last clinical experience. I liked being on a post surgery floor, most of my patients were aware of what was going on and it was a quick turn around. I liked the faster paced movement of the floor. It will be 12 hours on Friday, 12 hours on Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday. At this point I am a little nervous for 12 hour shifts, I will be exhausted those weekend I am pretty sure. Oh well I only have 4 weeks of it. I think I will survive. (Provided I do pass my classes this semester)

After my four weeks of clinical my family has decided to bless me and send me on a trip that I have only dreamed about. I will tell you more about it later in time. : )

After that trip, should be about 3 weeks....I will be doing something awesome, hopefully. So I talked to my best friend and she wanted to work at a camp. Much of me really wanted to go with her, but I knew I had to work. Then my parents suggested that I too go work at some camp. So I told my friend, that whatever camp she went to, or whatever she did I wanted to do it with her. So looks like, if I ever fill out my application her and I will work out at Echo Lake Bible Camp together. I have missed my that girl way to much this year...and probably will never live in the same city again, so I am looking forward to this opportunity to work at a camp and spend the summer with her.

As for prayer and stuff with God these days its sweet to see how He works. One thing I have really appreciated are friends that challenge me. In many different ways and in ways that most of the time they have no idea. I love and maybe sometimes hate when people ask the tough questions. When they challenge me on what I think or believe.  I love it!

So, next week I head to Vancouver again, for two full days. It will be a long two days. First one I am showing up at 7:00am for my two and a half hour MRI--sounds like fun right? Not really, at all. It is terrible uncomfortable, and apparently I touch my face a lot, and coughing while trying to be still is really really hard. Then I will have a few assessments, and questionnaires. The next day I have my infusion which will probably be 4-5 hours, if not more. That is not my favorite part of my trip, well actually, I don't really love any part of these trips. Except for seeing people I don't get to see very often. Then it makes the trip that much better, friends, cousins, family. That part is nice.

Well, I need to get going, today is a long school day and I should get ready.

Hope you all have a great day!

~Just a Girl

Lessons Learned

I learned a few things this week....

1. People will continue to surprise me. Last weekend I was having a rough time. Feeling pretty emotional. I was (and still continually) trying to wrap my head around my MS stuff, I was missing family, and friends. Saturday was an ok day, hung out with a girlfriend for a bit which was great. Then Sunday, which always seems to be my emotional day. I went to church. Made it the through without crying--which I was impressed about. It wasn't until I got into my car that I couldn't hold back. I burst into tears. I thought I would be alright so I started driving out of the parking lot. I got to the side road and I couldn't see because of all the tears. So I pulled over and grabbed some Kleenex and did my best to pull myself together. As I was tryin to regain myself a few cars drove by. However, one drove by turned the corner and not even 30 seconds left I see it again in my rear view mirror and it pulls in front of me. A lady get out, whom I have never seen before and comes to my widow to ask if I'm alright. I decided to be honest and just say no... But to make a long story short, I made a new friend last Sunday and I know it was no coincidence.

2. Lesson number two. Sometimes I can't hold it all together and life really does scare me. Right now I am torn between doing third year over 2 years or one. At this point I really have no idea if I will be able to cope with a course load as heavy as third year. But I also really do not want to take any longer to get my schooling done. I know it's not a bad thing, maybe it's pride or who knows. Maybe next year, personally there won't be as many surprises, and I will have the strength to do third year in one year. I don't know. Another prayer request--God would make it clear to me as to what I should do.

3. My last few lessons from this week have been;
a) I am capable of keeping a clean spotless room--trying to sell a house can be a pain, but once it's done. I am very capable of making a disaster--a productive mess mind you, I am doing some spring cleaning.
b) I like getting out of town. I went down to Kelowna for this weekend. To visit my cousin and meet up with my family. It was great.

Well those are the most important things on my mind at the moment.

~Just a Girl

Mental Health Day

I hated those words in high school... "I'm taking a mental health day, I'll see you tomorrow." There were two reasons for why I hated those words. First was because it meant that I wasn't going to see my best friend and would have to endure the endeavors of high school on my own. Second, I was jealous. Jealous that I couldn't take a mental health day.  (I'm actually laughing out loud right now thinking about this and imagining how my parents would react if I asked them this in high school  I could not even dream of a mental health day, my parents would not hear of such a thing. Nope, we went to school all the time. How unfair right? It wasn't actually that bad, just some days I wished I could stay home for no reason. But I would feel so guilty if I stayed home even if I was sick, for real. I had just grown up that you never skipped school, unless you were very sick or on sports trips.

Anyways, the bonus of living on my own--well kind of on my own means that I can take mental health days (mom, dad, I go to school ok? For real... I don't skip, so don't worry) without feeling guilty.

Today is my mental health day, I feel like I haven't had a day that just is mine, I can do whatever I want to do today, with no pressures of a assignment due tomorrow or anything or 10 page paper due in the morning :) That was last night. I also could not fall asleep until like 2:30-3:00 and woke up with a strange pain in my stomach that would come and go, but made me feel pretty gross. I think its gone now. So today I decided was a day for myself. I think I will go run errands and hang out with a friend.. I don't know I could do anything really....

But what really inspired me to write today was a song that I turned on while I was looking for my ipod, which I lost for a few weeks--its found now in case you were worried. But it put a huge smile on my face when I started listening to the lyrics. The song is called "Give it All Away" by Aaron Shust. The best lines are the chorus....
All of my plans, all of my dreamsI lay them down before Your feetAll of my time, all that was mineI know, submit to Your design. 

It makes me thankful for the reminder that, yes, I have plans and dreams for myself. I have had them my whole life.  But I want to be reminded that I must/should lay my plans, I mean we all should lay our dreams and plans down at His feet. Give them up and fully surrender them to God. He has a plan, His plan for our lives and who are we to take that upon ourselves to do... and really in reality when I think about it and how his desire for my life is so much greater than what I could ever imagine for myself. But for me I know that this has to be a daily occurrence, for me to subit to His design.

Have a great day!

~Just a Girl

God, Gravol and Gabapentin

Those are the three G's that got me through this last week.

First and foremost, I just have to say thank you. Thank you for your prayers. This week would have been much harder if it wasn't for your prayers and encouraging comments and support.

Monday and Tuesday was hard, I was still feeling pretty sick or just exhausted. My sleep still was not doing all that great. I slept in and rested for those two days.

Wednesday was good, I was still pretty exhausted and to be quite honest I don't even remember what I did the frist 3 days of this week. Buuuuttt.... then Wednesday night came around. 

I then had clinical on Thursday. However I also knew that I had to get up at 0500 for it. I found the best combination for sleep. God, Gravol and Gabapentin. I woke up on Thursday with energy and excitement for the day. I finally felt rested, a feeling that I had not experienced for a very long time.
I had a great day in clinical. The staff were great, patients were wonderful and just great to talk to and get to know.
Friday was just as great, much more exhausting, but great none the less. I had my midterm evaluation from my clinical instructor. She was very pleased with me. She loved the way that I interact with the staff, patients and other students. She commented on things that I had no idea people were watching. (that sounds weird, let me clear it up) But it was a conversation that I had with this little boy, at the water machine. It was simple, harmless, 45 second conversation about coffee and french vanilla. I hardly thought anything of it. At the end of my shift I had two clients give me a hug. It made my day. 

Oh, I love clinical, I love working in the hospital, I think am going to LOVE being a nurse. (never did I thinkI would say that) I love that I am able to bring a little bit of light to someones crappy day. I love learning about the body, how it works and the different methods of healing it, watching it heal.

Anyways, I think that the drugs that I got are finally starting to kick in. The swelling in my hand has gone down, the pain has lessened and the energy comes and goes. But things are starting to look up a little bit.

Another quote for you tonight... I came across it the other day.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it. Change your attitude. 

OH (right dad?) Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference... :)

Have a good evening!

~Just a Girl

Day 124- Tired...tired...tired

It is almost mid way through the week and it feels like it should be the end. It has barely been 2 days! I have a crazy week a head of me, which scares me because of how tired I am. This last week, which should have rejuvenated me, because of the lack of school and the steroids has done quite the opposite. After my last post on Friday it was still pretty rough.
I stayed in bed most of Saturday, felt pretty nauseous in the evening, and then watched previews for about an hour. Ha, it might sound lame, but my cousins, aunt, uncle and I quite enjoyed ourselves. I also realized why my bother won't eat roll kuchen (best supper ever!!--It's a Mennonite thing.. only some of you will know how great this meal really is) anymore. It used to be his favorite until he ate it when he was on prednisone and chemo. I made the mistake of making my favorite form of potatoes  YUCK... roasted potatoes, makes me feel quite ill just thinking about them even now. So i will stop now.
Sunday was a little better...oh I almost forgot the best part. (yes I was safe, I just had to be aware of what was going on) But I decided to take my one oral medication- Gabapentin before I left for church, I am pretty sure it didn't full kick in until I got to church. I have never taken drugs (--illicit drugs that is, I think this last year I have taken more drugs this past 6 months than I have collectively in my whole life but that is not the point I wanted to make) to get me high, but if I were compare any situation to being high it would have been Sunday morning. It was a weird haze that lingered, I noted my mouth dropped open for much too long, lost train of thought, pretty sure it took way to long to find clothes that morning, I couldn't stand in church for the worship without holding on to the chair infront of me, so I just sat down. (It is ok if you chuckle out loud that this point--I thought it was kind of funny) So far I have decided that I should take that drug only at night, it might be safer and less humiliating for me if I just sleep through those side effects.

Anyways I just remembered that I have to take my injection tonight. Which reminds me that I am working on getting up to the full dose, not just half. The last 3 injections have been a little more than half and I haven't gotten sick. Yes, that is good news. I also thought maybe I will show you what I do get to poke myself with three times a week. I know it's not huge but its something...A year ago I for sure did not think I would be able to inject myself once, let alone three times a week.
_________________________________________________________________

Here are my wonderful needles... hope they don't bother you too much. If you are ever around and I have to take an injection, I will even let you give it to me. :)  


___________________________________________________________________

But here I am... (getting all sentimental) doing things that I never thought I could do. If someone said to me a year ago that I would have numbness in my right hand permanently  wouldn't be able to play sports because I couldn't see, inject myself 3 times a week, live with intense fatigue I would've laughed and wondered why they would even suggest that--"I only had labrynthitis"- right? But things have changed, I have changed. I was talking to a friend today about how you change so much, especially right after high school. I was saying how so much of me has changed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...more than I ever would have thought. I have done my best to accept those changes, which I guess I had an option to not. But where would I be if I hadn't accepted them, well stuck with all of these things and a really crappy attitude.
Genius right? I think so. Not really.. I'm just tired and feeling sappy.

Anyways, have a great night/sleep... because its late.

One thing I would love to ask from you guys if you are thinking of me in prayer is:
-Energy; I am so fried and the semester is long from being over. I have a midterm, paper, and group paper/presentation due within the next 7 days, along with clinical and all other classes. So I would love some energy... and for those sick, awful, terrible drugs to do their stinking job! and help me. :)

That is all. Thanks!

~Just a Girl

Day 120- What a Week!!

So I just wanted to fill you guys all in on my 'interesting' week. As most of you guys know I have had a good amount of pain in my hands. So thankfully I was albe to get some drugs to help me. The one drug was methylprednisolone, a steroid which should help with the inflammation in my hands, reduce pain, and hopefully give me a little more energy.

For the steroid, I was infused for an hour for three days this week. The first appointment was long, I was there for about two hours. It was a weird sensation again to be walking into the hospital, not wearing scrubs and knowing that I was not playing nurse that day. It is always weird getting hooked up to this IV pump and watching everyone else around me. I cannot say I am a fan. I may have said this before, but I feel like two different people, one who is sick with MS and the other who is somewhat, usually- (who am i kidding--sometimes) emotionally stable and thinks she can do things like she used to.. surprise, she can't. (Point proven this week)

The rest of the week I came back two more times. The worst part about these steroids were the side effects.
The first one I noticed was the gross taste in my mouth. My brother asked me about this a few months ago, when he gave me one of my injections he asked me if I got a metallic taste in my mouth. I just kind of laughed at him and said no. It was during this infusion that I fully realized his disgust with this taste. It is gross and doesn't just go away after a few minutes. It lasts the whole day!
The second lovely side effect was back pain. At first I thought it was the chair, but it was comfortable chair which threw me off. But it came back the second and third day also. Oh the joys.
The third thing was the 'false energy' it gave me. I had not hung out with friends for a long time for a long period of time. I kind of drained myself this week. I made lots of food for a potluck dinner, invited friends over for supper and just stayed up late, which was great, until I crashed.

Yesterday I crashed, I went for my last treatment at 0930 until 1030. I went and picked up some other medication from the pharmacy. Got home around 1130. Ate lunch. Took a shower and then napped from 1300-1700. It was kind of really nice.

Today, well I feel like crap, my back is killing me, my stomach feels gross, I feel dizzy and light headed, my legs are weak and clumsy and I am CRAVING french fries!! (Oh that is what I am going to have for supper, oven roasted potatoes). Oh well, I will quit my complaining. (I am also sorry if this post sounds a little discombobulated)

I have a quote for you today. I finished a very cute book today, (Started and finished this week, if you know me at all you would be impressed) It was called "The Art of Racing in the Rain." It is written by the perspective of a dog. Goes through his whole life and you learn to love his masters, learning about race car driving. One of characters, Eve (the wife) is diagnosed with brain cancer, she fights it, but eventually she dies. However this dog has decided that when he dies he is going to come back into the world as a human and he is going to be an amazing human. This is one of his quotes...

"To live everyday as if it has been stolen from death, that is how one should live. To feel the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter everyday. To say I am alive, I am wondering I am. That is something to aspire to." 

~Just a Girl

One Year

Wow, thinking back on what was going on last February it was a whirlwind. Literally. I rolled over in bed one morning and everything changed. I felt like I had been on a tire swing all night and wanted to throw up. Three weeks later it went away. I then noticed that when I walked my vision was being funny. It then snowballed from there...

However it is so strange to look back, I have been up until this point thinking "Last year at this time I was playing volleyball and not tired all the time, my hands weren't numb." I feel like I am hitting these milestones and not necessarily being bitter about it, but thinking about how things can change so fast and you have no idea what is to come.

This next week is reading and I have decided its a good time to take the time to just seek God, pray, worship and just think about things going on in my life. Yesterday I went down to one of my favorite spots near the river. I had my sleeping bag, a blanket, my journal and my Bible. It was a nice sunny, spring-ish day, not super cold. But it was nice to just sit there and talk to God, and think. The best part about these moments was after I journaled and I was desiring to hear God's voice and just wanting answers about my future. I then opened my Bible on my phone and it had a "Verse of the Day" This is what it was.
Jeremiah 33:2,3 "2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: 3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

It was a perfect verse. It is a perfect verse. IT is so true, and encouraging. This verse also sums up what I want out of this week. It has been a hard semester, probably as hard as last semester but in different ways. These past few weeks have been difficult, but it feels like things are looking up. I have found a few of my friends again, which has been really nice. I have a full week off to focus and just take a bit of time for myself. Which is my plan.

Anyways those are a few of my thoughts for tonight. I hope your guys' weekend was good. Have a great week!

~Just a Girl

Day 107- God is Able

God is AbleHe will never failHe is almighty God
Greater than all we seekGreater than all we askHe has done great things
Lifted up, He defeated the graveraised to life, our God is ableIn His name, we overcomeFor the Lord, our God is able
God is with usGod is on our sideHe will make a way
Far above all we knowFar above all we hopeHe has done great things
I went out tonight.. to a worship night for the city. It was good to get out of the house for a bit and just get lost in the worship. It was actually so great to get lost in worship. I hadn't had that in a while. I also learned something about myself... that when I am 'lost', by myself in the back or a room I feel so comfortable that I will dance or fall to my knees in worship. It was a good feeling to feel free without judgement in doing that. What also helped with that was an old friend for years had tried to get me to dance and jump in church or someplace of worship and I just never felt comfortable.  However the persistance of them and encouragement to do so helped...eventually. I think they would've been proud of me :) 
So tonight they had 4 different bands play and in between they had a bit of a message or quick thought. For the first 3 bands I knew one or two of their songs. However the last band I knew most of them and the one was "God is Able." I love how much truth there is to that song. Every line is so true. I feel like its hard to come to terms with it at times but when I do it brings me to tears. 
So, about my week or at least since my last post. I wouldn't say that it has been easy. But I am thankful for a few things. 
1. Clinical- Being in the hospital is so encouraging. My uncle and aunt keep telling me how I just glow after I come home from the hospital. It is so nice to just be able to talk to patients, learn. I usually feel completely useless and inept. My highlight so far has been being able to talk to a client about their post surgery symptoms. I had done a assessment with my clinical instructor watching, she pointed out one thing that I missed on the assessment and was teling about edema and we were scaling it. Afterwards, later that evening I went back and was checking out on them I checked for edema again and asked them if they even knew what that was. They said they didn't so I explained to them that after surgery is was swelling and fluid build up in their leg and so on. But it was good to frist feel like I knew what I was doing and I was able to just talk and get to know them better. 
2. Exercise- I love that feeling of knowing that you have done something productive and healthy. I know that right know I am not able to exercise like I used to, running, playing volleyball, basketball etc. So I have taken up swimming. Keeps my body cool enough that I can still see when I'm done. But my girlfriend and I have been going to the pool like 5 days a week. I personally just swim for a designated amount of time and she likes to do 32 laps (800m) and then be done. Most of the time it is do 4 laps and then take a break and--chat pretty much. But one day this week I did 20 laps at one time (I have also learned how to flip turn). THEN the next day I was determined to do more, and did all 800m without stopping. If it doesn't seem like an impressive feat IT IS!! 
3. Friends- I have been blessed with 3 great friends this semester. One is my swimming buddy and she is in like all of my classes. She is great-- favorite moments was this past week before clinical we were going to study, swim and then go to clinical. However we ended up skipping the studying and just going early and goofing around. We would end up getting there and realizing that we were exhausted and just being ridiculous. We have decided that we would be a rockstar team if we were even allowed to be in the same clinical group. Another one of my friends is kind of amazing, she is a rockstar on her own. Her and her husband are incredible and such great role models. They have been a great support for me, trying to figure out my MS stuff and have been a good prayer supporter as well. So thank you. My third one, she makes me laugh. I have really gotten to know her much better in the past month. We drove home to PG together after Christmas which was a great bonding moment, we go swimming occasionally, one day I got a call at 7:00am asking if I could help her out, and I got to play nurse all day. Which was honestly the highlight of that week. It has been great to make a new friend and realize that they have very very similar views as you. She is one of those. Each of these girls have been an amazing blessing to me in the past few months and I know that it will continue on in the future. 
So those are the top three things that have been on my "Thankful List" lately. 
The pain in my hands have been on and off. Right now is alright, but tonight it was really bugging me. I also find that when I am stressed out the pain gets worse. Not fun. 
OH! But I talked to my MS nurse about my pain she has a potential solution. It is a 3 day infusion, most likely in PG of a steroid and then also receive a drug called Tegretol (carbamazipine), which is an anticonvusant for seizures  and apparently neuropathic pain. I am hoping to do that over Reading Break. Supposed to help the pain and possibly help with a bit of the fatigue. So I will keep you updated. 
That is all for tonight. I am going to bed.
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. 
~Just a Girl 
PS. The Day #- incase you either forgot or don't know. But it is the amount of days since I started treatment. (My drug trial)

Day 95- This isn't fun...

You know those times when you feel like things are going good, you can't even think about those things that could bring you down? You know those times where you think, "Dang, life is good. What could go wrong?" I had one of those moments last week, when I was in the hospital, when all of my problems seemed to be so minuscule. I had a patient who was in such pain-he just had hip surgery and I told him he was going to be walking today.. he kind of laughed at me. However he did walk that day, and it was great. I thought of how thankful I was that I was able to walk, and was not in that kind of pain. It felt so good to not think about anything except doing everything I could for my patient. It felt so good to do something for him.

Tonight isn't like that.. I'm sorry to say. Tonight--this weekend has been hard. Very difficult. It is funny how hard things like to hit in waves. I thought I was doing ok with the whole MS thing.. but I was wrong. This weekend and past few weeks to be honest have been ok with a few moments of MS realizations. But so much has changed--also please don't think I sit in a funk about 'oh poor me, I have MS' I don't it just comes in waves and then I need to talk about it.. so this is what you get. The hardest part is seeming like I'm ok on the outside when I'm not. I'm not. I am terrified on the inside (I haven't admitted that out loud before), I am in so much stinking pain; physically and mentally.

Tonight was hard, I was working on homework and my hand hurt, which lately isn't that surprising, but it wasn't just my right hand, it was both of them and mostly my left hand and man did it hurt. So I grabbed a bag of snow, which helped but still hurt a lot more than I had ever had it before. It made me frustrated, sad and hurt.  I also realized today and the last few times I have gone swimming that my vision has been getting worse. (I am kind of hoping its because I haven't gone swimming for a while)

Some days I just don't know what to do... so tonight I am going to ask for prayer, prayer for
-pain in my hand to go away or lessen
-comfort; to trust in God
-anxiety; to help me calm down about life and school
-to continue to find the joys in life and continue to be thankful for the things I do have.
-just me and my spirit in general to keep well and focus on school


Thank you so much guys, I appreciate it a ton.

~Just a Girl